Friday, September 30, 2005
hmmm.. jingying slit her wrist today.. she says its becuz of stress frm exams.. so y dun i believe her? haiz.. cuz i noe her too well? so tired.. y is she lyk tt.. time and again i tired to help her.. but it still turned out lyk tt.. should i have tired so hard to protect her last time? maybe if i din tired to hard to protect her things wun be lyk that.. yet maybe.. i gave in to much to her.. i noe her so well.. becuz i was her last time.. she had her past... so did i.. she remnds me so much of myself.. i am still changing.. i try so hard.. once or twice i will lose myself.. she is stil lyk tt.. n if she dun change.. i dunno wad will happen to her.. i was so freaked out juz now.. everything juz came back to me.. but now is lyk wadeva.. its not pity tt she wants.. y we r diff is i kept everythng to myself.. but she wants attention.. maybe lyk one day she will realise as i did tt wad she is doing is not rite.. but now no one can help her.. she muz help herself.. u think i did wrong ignoring her.. u say becuz of my reaction she thinks i dun care? she is so much lyk myself i can tell u wad she's going to say.. u think she din noe tt all these time i was still looking out for her? u think she din noe the impact of her words? u think she dunno that we are watching her every move? of cuz she noes.. n thats y she is doing wad she is doing.. i have had enough.. jia-hao.. i maybe hard hearted.. but tts becuz i noe.. i noe wad it is lykt o be lyk tt.. nightmares? how many times i woke in the middle of the night crying? u think i had it easy getting away from my past? u think i dun understand her? think she is pitiful? jerome n i noe her better.. cuz we went thru is maybe he is even still going thru wad she is going thru.. if we can get on with our lives so can she.. she needs to stand up on her own two feet now.. jing ying.. i dun care if u are going to read this or not.. but let me tell u tt u r doing this to someone who has been doing it for the past 4 years of her life.. i believe u can snap out of it.. till now even i nv stopped believing n trusting.. whether u trust me or not is not my concern for there is nth i can do..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
10:55 AM
Saturday, September 24, 2005
hmmm.. dun really noe wad to say.. well.. fish fainted 2 days ago.. haha.. then she today got breathing probs.. but she can still laugh.. maybe its got to do with her mind? ur mind can do lots of things wor.. she getting too stressed lahz.. tt gal hor.. keep telling her she cannot dun sleep one.. dun listen.. say wad she wann stay up the whole nite to study so wun be late to sch.. aiyo.. now i dunno waad she gonna come up with for staying upt he whole nite.. she cannot take it lo.. always will sleep while studying.. then wake even later.. dunno wad to do abt her.. aiyo.. then she fainted.. think due to exhaustion.. hmm..
its amazing how ur mind works.. there was this guy who had a rare incurable skin disease.. makes his skin think n tough as elephant's hide.. but then this doctor tot he was suffering frm warts.. cuz tt doctor not in charge of him.. then put him thru hypnosis cuz the doctor say hypnosis can cure warts.. then when the guy came back for checkup hor.. he really ok liao.. then the doc in charge of the guy tot the other doc who did the hypnosis that the guy actually suffered from an incurable disaese n not warts.. the hypnosis doc was so shocked lo.. then when other patients came for the same treatment he couldnt cure them.. apparently he had some how tranferred his believe that the disease could be cured to the patient.. but when he found out the truth he somehow lost his faith or sth..
maybe if i really believe that i got stomach cramps next time in class i will really get them.. hehe.. then can pn class... wahahaahahahahahah....
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:20 PM
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
sianz sianz sianz.. my life is lyk down in the pits nowadays.. i lyk keep getting pissed.. izzit juz me or is everything around me wrong? i think most lykly is me ba.. but i am juz so tried nowadays.. doing that cheer book is so boring.. now my eyes hurt n my hands hurt too.. its lyk this vicious cycle.. u get pissed by sth n stay pissed. then u will blow up easily by some other thing.. then it goes on n on til u juz cannot take it.. wonder wad happen to those bad tempered ppl.. my blog feels so depressed.. i will talk abt happier things now.. n oso cuz my juniors found out abt my blog liao.. so i cannot complain abt my fellow NCOs liao.. haha.. hmmm.. should i go n meet andy to get the sec 4's promotion cert? i ask royston but he dun reply me.. should i go? n y he dun pass to royston? cuz he live nearer to me? royston n the gals keep sayong abt me n him.. i dun really feel lyk going to meet him.. but the cert how? so confusing.. n hor.. my dear juniors.. after u read this udn come ji xiao me oso arh.. cuz i dun lyk him! i dun wan to go stead liao wor.. single betta.. haha.. i changed lots recently.. hmmm.. be come so bad tempered.. n sian with sj.. n always so depressed.. n i actually feel that being single rox! omg.. haha.. wheeeeeee... n juniors say i set bad example.. hmmm.. i very guai in sj liao wor.. so guai kia.. so weird.. for u guys i change one lehz.. still say i set bad example.. hurt my feelings wor.. haha... gtg do the cheer book liao.. slack very long typing this thing..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:00 PM
Monday, September 19, 2005
today is such a terrible day... i feel so pissed.. and again its all abt sj... firstly.. there was guan wei n abt me tucking in my shirt.. he ask me tuck in.. so i tuck in.. then my shirt drop out again.. then he ask me tuck in again.. n my shirt is really drop out lo.. not i pull out one.. then cuz when he tell me i was holding my phone n lynn's mp3.. i said wait n i was abt to keep the phone n mp3 so i can tuck in.. but i haven even put the mp3 into my pocket then he turn around n say "tuck in. NOW" i was lyk.. so pissed lo.. i mean.. tuck in no need time one arh.. lyk juz say tuck in then my shirt will auto tuck in meh..
then hor.. we go SNCO briefing.. then got this sort of test lahz.. then i was writing our corps officer in charge ow wee loong royston.. then cuz i always rite his name wrongly.. then i was canceling it when this DHS sir came up to me n told me to stop copying lynn's work.. i was NOT copying lo.. then i was lyk nvm.. then i continue filling my paper.. then he suddenly say "nvm.. u go up to the front n sit alone" wad the fuck.. accused of copying.. when i nv even looked once at lynn's paper.. so fucked up..
i am so pissed.. til now i am pissed.. grrr.. n hor.. the only time i nv make mistake in riteing royston's name was when i was copying it.. so if i make mistake i cannot be copying ma.. speaking of royston.. tt guy.. anyhow go say me n andy together.. then now all the gals keep saying me n him.. dun even ly him lo.. I AM SINGLE!!! n being single rox! i want it to remain lyk tt!!!
SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
8:06 AM
Thursday, September 15, 2005
y is it that when other ppl r in a bad mood they throw their temper at me i am supposed to take it n forget tt its has ever happen after they apologize n even if they nv apologize i am still suppoed to forgive them? n yet when i am in a bad mood n show attitude i am being selfish, unreasonable n ridicules.. when u do sth its ok.. yet when i do the same thing its wrong.. when u give me advice i am supposed to take it otherwise i dun believe in u, dun trust u n is not ur fren anymore.. yet when i give u advice its ok tt u dun take it..
u say u dun trust me any more cuz i seem to be blowing hot n cold.. but i dunno if i can trust u anymore.. after all that u did to me.. i found in myself the ability to forgive u.. but now i cant find it anymore.. time n again.. ur lies.. wad u say is the truth n wad is lies i do not noe any more.. now i am wondering if all that u said were lies..
i dun wanna care anymore.. really.. i am killing myself caring for u.. one after another.. u ppl r ruining me.. i dunno who to trust anymore.. how do i noe if anyone else is not lying to me? once, twice, not now the third time i have to pick up the pieces after u ppl tore my life apart.. n to think i believed most in u.. i keep hoping.. praying tt all the hurt will go away.. but til now i am still crying.. i nv felt so helpless.. who else is going to hurt me next i do not noe..
i dun have the courage to face life anymore.. who else is going to hurt me next? y hurt me lyk tt? all of u? all the trials tt we went thru together.. together as one.. united forever.. u were the one who told me tt.. but u were oso the one to go against it.. i cherished all of u dearly.. i can rmb all that u have ever said to me abt urself.. can u say the same?
my life is falling apart n i dun have the energy to pick it up.........
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:02 PM
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
juz read my own blog.. how foolhardy i was.. its no more abt going out to fight for wad u wan.. its whether u can get ppl to listen in the first place.. how ironic.. u watch tv dramas of how the parents' grudge against each other broke two lovers apart.. its almost lyk we r going thru the same thing.. the people upstairs argued n we r dragged into the midst of it.. the upper level's grudge broke our squad apart.. my hopes of us as NCOs unaffected by it all was juz dreams.. u all tell me how it is their prob n not ours.. yet cant u all see its affecting us? we r the ones in the middle whether we realise it or not.. how sick n it get.. it is lyk one big circle n we cant see the end of it.. who noes how long it will drag? generations of NCOs after us will be affected if the problems r not solved.. yet those involved refused to solve it.. me n guan wei is juz the beginning.. more disagreements will arise out of it.. til it is solved.. more problems will be created..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:45 PM
hmmm.. had a long talk with guan wei today.. cleared up so many things.. but i still think the damage is done.. we can no longer be as one again.. all those crap abt bonding us.. u think by saying all those things to us u r helping us? i noe i am being unreasonable.. things btw me n guan wei is not entirely their fault.. but it is easier convincing myself that they r the cause of everything.. though if we had chosen to be neutral it wouldnt have been so bad.. i juz dunno lahz.. so tired of it.. everytime we r in the same room the tension will rise.. it's not btw me n guan wei anymore.. it's abt our squad.. as one.. but how can anything be alrite again? i dunno..
lishi's gonna kill me for saying this but i think my quitting will help.. cuz i dun see how we can fuction efficently as NCOs when we cannot get along.. n its affecting everyone.. when it was btw me n guan wei i could pretend nth happened.. now its not only me.. its everyone.. i cant run away from it anymore.. my departure i believe will help everyone.. my squad as NCOs n me n guan wei as individual.. i din wanna say anything abt it.. but the injustice of it all juz pissed me off.. i feel so prejuiced against.. n helpless against it..
perhaps one day me n guan wei n finally ease the tension off..
perhaps one day we can look back at it as a misadventure..
perhaps one day we can look but n laugh abt it..
perhaps it is foolhardy to think lyk tt..
but i think it is is the only way to ease the building tension..
but for tt day to happen.. we all need to cool off.. n i can only think of one way out..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:30 PM
