Friday, March 30, 2007
Facadeoh well... i guess i wun be blogging much after this... i mean.... drastic measures have to be taken for drastic situation..... this blog has so far been a reflect of my true feelings.... yet as time went by... i realised that more and more ppl are finding my blog and reading it... including some undesirable characters.... this blog has been a platform for me to expressing my tots and feelings... and i am reluctant to change that... this has been my first blog and it will go on to be the only one... it has been with me for so many years... any other blog will sound fake to me...
i decided i shall be happy from now on... i'm tired of being so emo... wadeva... i'm juz thinking too much again... i shall be who i was.... and u cant have it any other way
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
3:09 AM
Thursday, March 29, 2007
School Is Starting Soonhmmm... i really have no idea wad to blog abt.... lets see... i haven been blogging much cuz i went out everyday since the last time i blogged.. but they are not very interesting.. or rather... i dun feel lyk blogging abt them... maybe some other days... cuz they mostly include SP.. and well.. i think it is taboo juz to even think abt SP... school's starting soon.... and itz gonna suck...
oh... and this sat... deardear will be goign for jolvin's 21st birthday celebrations... and i... will be going for a briefing for the camp that i am going to be attending with lishi... number 1 is cuz i dun really wanna not attend the briefing... even though weien can probably give me a personalize one... cuz juz becuz i noe some seniors doesnt mean itz everything... i shouldnt act so dua3 bai2... 2nd is well.... itz not lyk jolvin invited me... even though we noe each other... i haven really been very contactable for him... so ya... it will be so weird if i juz turned up... this is probably the first weekend that me and dear is not spending tgt... i juz.... i dunno...
actually i wanted to spend a weekend juz with deardear b4 i start school.... or rather... i hoped to... since we would probably have less time to be tgt once school starts.... but well... wad are hopes made up of if not empty air... so ya... wadeva... if we cant do it this week there is no other week to do it as my school start the week after next... and it is not possible for me to spend the time with him next weekend... so it juz means that there's no way ard it... maybe i'm juz stupid or sth.... i think i'm juz stupid...
on an even darker note... i found out some things... which led me to wonder... was i played out by so many guys becuz they all think i really dun care? or becuz they think that i am always so happy and laughing that i cant get hurt... or do they juz think that i am strong enough to be played with then discarded and stand up by myself... and at the very end... i'm supposed to be chummy with them and forgive them... this juz sucked so much... maybe i'm juz much too dumb.. if i forgive them... can never forgive myself...
sometimes i juz feel that i'm very redundant.... very extra.... very useless.... i'm sinking yet again into another depression... wadeva... i think i'm getting on ur nerves huh...
dear... i really do miss u so much... and i shall prove to myself... that my world doesnt revolve around u... juz as urs dun around me... i'm getting much too dependent on u... everything i do... everything i buy.... its with u in mind... i'm getting too dumb... too stupid... u wun believe how happy i was to find the marshmallow today... i have nv stopped looking for it... becuz i noe u lyked it.... and i should learn to stop planning my time ard u... cuz i noe u dun.... from now on my weekends are no longer out of bounds.... anyone can ask me out anytime during the weekends.... and i most probably wun reject... it din seem to me as if u were keeping ur wkends free juz for me.... u shouldnt matter more to me than i to u....
u are in my tots... every single moment... but i dun seem to be in urs... whenever sth happens... i dun seem to be the first in ur mind.... i come in only after that... yet i noe.... that u think i dun care... perhaps i am very impt to u in ur heart.... perhaps u care alot for me... but compared to other things... i may juz be slightly more impt... i noe deep in my heart... that me without u.... will nv go on.... there shall be no other who can take ur place... if u end off as my bf.... there shall be none after u.... but u without me.... will still go on... u may be sad... very sad... but ultimately... u will find another... and another... and another if need be...
things are getting pretty tensed nowadays... i miss u so much... so very very much.... thats y everytime u call... i dun wish u to hang up.... i already dun get to see u... hearing ur voice makes me feel so much better... becuz no matter how tired i am... it din stop me from staying up waiting for ur calls... even for ur sms... but i guess we are juz different...
i think i'm juz really stupid.... y did i start crying typing this post?... i cant see a thing now.... i'm probably the stupidest gal alive
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
1:06 PM
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Fun Fun Fun....today.... i'm feeling stupidly happy... and i shall blog! lalala... oh well... last friday... i went to bedok with lishi to do our stupid checkup for the poly enrolment thing... and well... apparently there was so many ppl goignt o do the checkup that u had to make appointment beforehand.... and the earliest that we could make was this coming monday.... so we went to have our breakfast at Burger King and met rujin... then we all went to CCHMS to see see look look at our juniors having their training... and to get a taste of going back as alumni in HOME CLOTHES.... not that it was a very exciting notion for me... haha... even when i'm in CCH i usually went back to school if i had nth on that day in home clothes... i'm a naughty gal...
then we went to Parkway to meet lynn and for me and lishi to pay our school fees at Standard Charter... and well... we made lynn wait for a long long long time... haha...cuz we took so long saying our goodbyes to the juniors... and... OH! one thing... wenjie's hair looks damn weird on him... haha... ok... back to topic... then we still take our time go to the bubble tea shop buy the fave oreo cookie ice blended... when we finally got there lynn looks as if she was fuming... haha... cuz well... she wasnt really..
then me and lishi went to pay our fees... and i forgot to bring the form along lehz.... cuz i rush out in the morning thinking i was late only to find lishi making me wait for her for half an hour and being late for a total of 45mins... and then we went to have lunch at Pasta Mania.... then me and lishi rushed to my house to take the form then rush down to Tampines to pay the fees... then we met Amanda there and went shopping for clothes! me and Amanda bought a top each of the same design but different colour... but Amanda's turned out to be defective... and then.... we went back to Parkway and spend the rest of the time at K-Box... haha.... all i could say was the buffet rox... and our singing... haha... nvm...
oh well... tml i can meet deardear... and i'm happy... lalala... maybe thats why i'm so stupidly happy today...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
3:07 AM
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Aw Shuckssomeone i dun really lyk is using the blogskin that i really lyk!!! how?!?! i was even intending to change my blogskin to that soon... yucky.... i dun lyk this... i guess i shall stick with this skin til i find another that i lyk more ba... this is so sucky...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
10:39 AM
Chey!aiya.... he still in camp doing dunno wad using the com... haha... scare me... i very easily get scared de... and i jzu rmbed sth.... haha... i shall not blog abt it... someone owes me sth... lalala... and this saturday i going to zhu's hse... i shall made dessert! and deardear is gonna make some fish and chips thing or sth.... i hope everything is edible... i noe my own culinery skills is lyk... i dunno.... haha... a 3-year-old? i think i can probably cook to save my own life... but thats not saying very much... =) hmmm... how abt... edible food is not my specialty? haha.... i'm crazy... wad did i? this crazy ugly bad-tempered ill-mannered awful gal do to deserve this God called issac? i think i'm beginning to idolize him... thats not very healthy for a relationship huh... haha...
oh well.... deardear can cook pretty well... i cook maggie mee very well too u noe? haha... i'm juz trying to comfort myself... lalalala... sleepy...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
10:26 AM
Shock...woah... i was juz starting a blog post abt how much i miss deardear... then he IM me... i was lyk so shock can.... then he say i nv reply his msg.... i tot he in camp? how come suddenly appear online... and... i tot his com spoil??? grrrr.... so much questions no one to answer... blah blah blah... i shall still say that i miss him lots and lots... cuz that was wad i was supposed to blog ma... wahhaaha... miss u miss u miss much.... <3 u lots too!!
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
10:03 AM
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Exactly a WeekIn the blink of an eye, 7 days passed since the last time I blogged. I went skating nearly everyday of that week in an effort to uphold my promise to my dearest, or rather is my bet with with him. I received my poly package, did the online enrolment, sent out the enrolment package, went out with the girls and last but not least, had fun with my baby.
St. John had their FA Competition last sunday at Greenview Secondary. I went there with deardear, Amanda and Rujin. Lishi and Lynn was supposed to go along with us, but Lishi had to work and Lynn, erm, well, she had "family problems" so she did not go. We reached the school and stayed there for like 15 minutes and left. But the day seemed very long, must have been to do with the fact that we sort of got lost along the way.
Well, that was the only interesting thing that happened, except for me and Lishi rushing around on friday for out poly enrollment.
Been having awful nights recently, I do not know why. How ridiculous.
One last thing is that, darling, if you do not want me to keep anything from you, please at least give me the same respect in return. That's all i want to say anyway.
And there shall be no more phone calls, no more crap, and no more fucking around.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:33 AM
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Crapokok... the previous post was a load of crap... some true some not so true... dar really wants a PSP la... haha... but he dun wanna buy it himself... =x and he did get drunk with herman... and they did wake up in the same room... but he says they din do anything... haha... i'm reallt bored... suppsed to meet dar today... budden he now cannot come out or sth... so sianz...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
9:24 AM
IssacI have a boyfriend. His name is Issac, and I love him very much.
He is all that I ever want, all that i ever need.
He is my air, my food, my water. Without him, i cannot live.
Issac is 1.75m tall. He weighs 70+kg. Now he is serving his National Service playing basketball for SAFSA. He is a very good basketball player and a very good inline skater.
Issac taught me inline skating which is how we got to know each other. He lives in Bukit Panjang and has a good friend named Herman. Herman can also be considered his gay partner. They often play basketball and mahjong together. Once, they got drunk together and Herman dragged him home. Herman fell asleep outside Issac's home, but they somehow woke up in the same room. No one knew what they did together in the room.
Issac loves to eat crayfish. He often go with Herman to Malaysia to eat crayfish. Issac like to watch Channel 55 on SCV. His birthday is coming and he hopes to buy a PSP for his birthday. Unfortunately the government has not back paid him so he is unable to buy a PSP.
I have been with Issac for 7 months and 7 days. We both really love each other alot. I always miss him like crazy when he is in camp. I know he misses me too.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
5:24 AM
Friday, March 09, 2007
Perhaps...maybe i'm juz thinking too much... or i'm juz asking too much... i dunno... as if i dun spend enough time thinking of u... i think i'm asking too much... yup... perhaps thats it... i read somewhere that says that relationships work better when the guy loves the gal more than she love him... i dunno if that is true... i hope itz not... otherwise the result will be nasty...
i've nv felt so much... or hurt so deep... how come i cant stop the tears? the first time i tried to let u go? i din noe i was crying till i touched my face... that was the very first time i cried saying the 3 dreaded words....
i guess... perhaps... i expected too much...
or maybe i rushed without knowing u... even though i noe u for more than half a year before we went out... how much do i noe abt u? not much really... maybe i gave myself to u too quickly... i once said... i would trust a stranger with my life, but no one with me... i did wrong then... by trusting u too quickly... i made a mistake.... the mistake i tried so hard to avoid... yet i did it...
i nv felt i expected too much... i nv wanted too much... in fact... it was becuz i wanted too little that got me into trouble the last time... so am i wrong this time?
or perhaps itz cuz u are older? u had more experience... u've been in love... and love izznt that much of a big deal to u as it is to me...
9th of august is juz impt a day to me as 6th of august is... but i guess... u wun really care huh?
this is the first relationship i'm in that i am so not secure... i really really feel very insecure in this relationship... perhaps itz cuz i'm out of my depth this time... perhaps is cuz... for the first time... i think this is really impt to me... more than it is to u...
i noe that at the beginning... u dun really think much of us being tgt... in fact... i dun think u were really serious it first... maybe now u are... but... the fatc that u were not really hurt me alot... and becuz of that... sometimes i cant help but wonder... are u serious abt it NOW? u assure me that u are... u try so hard to convince me that u are... but becuz of wad happened at first... u make me wonder whether u love me becuz u love me... or becuz i am ur gf therefore u love me?
i noe one thing is for sure... u started loving me becuz i am ur gf... and not b4... i guess... wad does last time matter... wad matters is that now u love me... now i am the gal who makes u feel committed... the first gal to do so...
but i think i'm juz pure stupid....
come live in my heart and pay no rent? i dun think so anymore... i think u need to start paying... becuz i dun think i can go on much longer giving and not taking...
and u said i dun care... the irony of it... i've given it alot of tot... maybe... our age difference is too big... and wad we wan is too different...
if i could turn back time... i dun wanna be one of the three gals... i would rather i nv kept in contact with u... that u juz became one of the guys whom i noe... who catch my attention... and a guy who i lost contact with... i would rather u nv be with candy... and be with yuhui... and nv get a chance to be with me...
but now... itz all too late... i love u... and i cant help it... i have u... and i dun wanna let u go... so in the end... i am who i am now... at ur mercy... becuz i need u... becuz despite all... i love u... love is the drug... and ur my addiction... without u... i cannot live... but i cant say the same for u...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:12 PM
Missing You...i miss lots of people
1. my dearest beloved issac.... who was so heartless to not msg me for the whole day... yucky...
2. the gals!!! how come til now we haven haad a chance to all go out tgt? there's only 7 of us... an outing should be easy to organise!!! why why why? haha... nvm... there's always 0101 2010 =D
3. CARMEN!!! i so long nv go sch find u le.... budden i think u now having exams ba... itz lyk the exam time for chung cheng.... hmmm... how how how? we so do have to go out and bitch tgt one day.... =) and get lost on our way to bugis again... haha
4. the gal who's in australia... sze yan.. u broke my heart when u say that u miss julia and meimei and u nv say my name... =( i miss going to pasta mania with u... when u coming back? and how are u with him? how's australia? i think u are having fun... dun think i nv keep track of ur blog hor... haha
5. my little niece beatrice... the cute cute little gal who yearns to be a teacher... i promise that i will sit up straight and cross my legs and say yes teacher when u say yi2yi2 =) ur bdae should be coming soon ba... i need to start saving for ur present... budden ur issac korkor come first... =D
6. faifai we haven seen each other for so long... we dun msg each other anymore too! well u are in camp now... =) but i think ur fine... ur blog dun sound very bad... but itz been a long time since u last updated too... =)
7. all the ppl i met at robinson's... yongjian carrie andrew joyce tidus ahrod... even sean and junjie! =) and many many more la... even though i was going there to work... i guess i made lotsa frens there... there were ppl who irritated me... hurt me... and piss me off... actually most were done by juz one person... but... oh well... my time there was made enjoyable by u all... and there's kim and jean and aunty helen and siti and SAMAD!!! haha... the guy who was alot lyk jolvin and nv failed to make me laugh... and the ppl from chester loren.. =)
8. juz a little little bit of me that miss ahroy... haha... i am suffering from withdrawals of his scolding! haha... i'm crazy... but really la... usually by this time of the year i would have told the gals that i hate me and that i think he's quite a nice person probably twice or thrice le... =D
thats quite alot of ppl to miss ba... no wonder i'm in depression... haha... oh well... =)
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
10:47 AM
Argh!i seriously hate my bro.... typed an entry juz now... and i go out take sth... he juz come into the room plonk his disgusting fat ass down on the chair and happily close ALL my windows WITHOUT asking me!!! and he juz sign out of my MSN while i was still talking to my fren!!! i feel lyk killing him... even my dad ask me first before he close my windows... and nice long entry is GONE! juz lyk tt... and i dun wanna type it again... hate hate hate....
and deardear didnt msg me at all today... =( sent him 2 msges he all nv reply... and i dun dare disturb him oso... haiz..... nvm.... i hope he's ok... yesterday match nv go well... today traning muz be damn tough... =x
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
9:04 AM
Blahz...haha... now my bro oso has a blog... and i shall link my bro soon... one day... haha... well well well... the blog is mostly thansk to me de... i found the skin for him one ok? i'm so nice hor? hehe... ms chia gave the class an assignment which is to set up their blog... and post their compo on it then she mark... so fun rite? they even got a class blog.. how come last time i p5 blogging wasnt in vogue? if it was i would have fun too... haha... sadly i only got this crappy blog of mine to blog on...
and i changed my blog cursor wor... piggy!!! so cute... haha... anyway... there's sth wrong with blogger that cuz me to be unable to view the changes i make to blog til the next day... thats not fair izzit? =( i wanna see my own blog too!!!!
and yesterday was the match... and dear dear din get to play... and his team din play too well either... his coach was super angry.... so they din get to stay out last nite... and have to go back to camp...
dear... dun be too upset la... i noe u are disappointed that u din get to play... maybe this sunday u will get to play? although i dun think u will get to play.... =x afterall u are new to the team ma... i've nv watched u play before... and i really wanted to... hmmm... that long time ago? i really wanted to go... budden sth cropped up and i couldnt... if wad other ppl said were anythignt o go by... u are a really good player lehz... dun be dishearten and continue to play ba... maybe in the next comp u will get a chance ba... love ya much much
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
6:08 AM
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Freaking Outoh no... bad tots are now running thru my head and scraing me out..... business makes me think of maths... and maths makes me think of fails... wad if i fail poly???? damn.... y do freaking ppl with less than 10 r4 decide to go poly? lyk optmertry or however hell u freaking spell it... the COP for last yr is 9... freaking 9.... and then this yr veterinary technology the highest point so far to get in is freaking 10.... y are this ppl making life difficult for us? grrrrr.... angry...
hmmm... but complain and curse all i wan.... if i were in their shoes i would do the same thing... =x cuz i dun wanna go into JC... so even if miraculously i get 6 r5 hor... i will still go poly... haha... then i'll be the one getting cursed... oops... budden i'm not cursing them la... i juz complain abt them... if i should curse... i'd curse myself... cuz if last min cramming get me this points... then.... if i had paid attentuion a long time ago... i would have done very well too... but i guess wad's done is done.. and.... i'll juz go on lamenting abt how unfair this is.... and cursing myself for the bad results... and juz complaining abt ppl who did the things i would do if i were in their place...
i'm a bitch... i noe... =) becuz it makes me feel better that someone shares my blame... =x
weien ask me go to his CCA's orientation camp... hmmm... still thinking if i should go... dun really feel lyk going cuz it sorta makes a commitment that i will join his CCA... but... i wanna have a look at other CCAs too... hmmm... see how ba....
deardear is going for his match le... hopes he get a chance to play.... and that his team wins... =) miss ya lot deardear..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
10:34 AM
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
To JonathanHAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY!!!!
=)
hmmm.... i guess we noe each other for quite long le ba... ok la... itz not v long... juz from sec 1... budden.... we din really talk til sec 2 hor... cuz of u and chessia... then we started talking... and then... we went out in sec 3... and i made u watch Spongebob Squarepants The Movie with me and my bro! and u in turn made alvin and shi jie watch it with us... i think alvin was sleeping that time... but u and my bro lyk find the show v interesting... wahaha... anyway... take care hor... =)
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
5:44 AM
Business Adminargh... rite i got into my third choice business admin at sp... i would much rather have gotten into veterinary technology... much more interesting to me lehz... budden... oh well... wadeva... i dun think i will be getting into the same class as lishi ba... even though we in the same course... oh well... i think rujin got into vet tech... cuz well... she got 10 r4 lehz... if i got into that course oso hor... probably same class... cuz only 30 intake ma... sianz... now... =( i shall miss lishi... all these juz sux....
oh well... at least the sch is closer to dear's house.... and... i dunno.... weien ask me to join his cca... should i? hmmm... see how ba...
had a weird dream last nite.... super duper weird...
i miss deardear so much.... =(
mummy din cook... i'm hungry...
and why is so many ppl reading my blog... how the hell did they find it anyway?????
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
5:16 AM
7 Monthshmmm... we've been tgt for 7 months le dear... =) its ok that u are not able to spend the day with me... hmmm.... i juz really miss u alot alot alot.... there's always this saturday anyway.... except... well.... now that u have the competition going on on sunday... i've got one less day to spend with u... haha... i'd be lying if i said i dun mind... i really do mind alot that the limited time i have with u is further reduced... but seeing that i cant do anything abt it... i might as well make the best of it... i noe u are really happy to have gotten into the team seeing that u only started training with them for slightly more than a month... i'm happy for u too... really... juz not so happy that i have less time to spend with u... or maybe its for the better... haha.. i think u are gonna get bored with spending too much time with me...
do take lots of care... i love u...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
3:22 AM
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Sex Before Marriage (SBM)well... i talked to a couple of ppl abt it... and well... basically... ppl have diff views abt it... i hope the ppl wun mind me putting their names... =) i mean... my blog is not so popular afterall... at least i dun think so... =) though sometimes i am surprised by who reads my blog...
anyway... chris says he wun do it... i forgot y... but i think... i say again... I THINK he dun think theres anything wrong with SBM... juz that he wun do it... am i rite chris? i'm fairly confident that he read reads my blog anyway... juz correct me if i'm wrong ok?
yongjian... he says theres nth wrong with it... hmmm... and he wouldnt mind doing it... =) and well... he seems to be very open to doing aloto of other things too! well thats good anyway...
i'm fairly sure that the gals... aka my nursings... are abit against it... but i wouldnt talk to them abt it... =) though after reading my blog i think they WILL have comments... haha
carmen dearest... din have a chance to tlak to u abt it.. though i think u wll be indifferent to it.. wahaha
i noe one person who has been there done that... JESS!!! u hear me??? well i noe u dun read my blog but wadeva... its not lyk u care who noes what huh... i did warn u that i will be blogging abt it... and well she says theres nth wrong with SBM... in fact... everyone should do it.. gives u more experience and u will do better too... haha
my opinion... hmmm... well... SBM is fine... theres nth wrong with it... as long as precautions are taken... and well... i think it would be better if u have SBM when u are oso financially able to raise a child in case sth does go wrong... the recent article abt the primary 3 gal who gave birth... well.. i think... thats horrible... becuz she's only in primary 3 for goodness' sake... she probably dun even noe wad sex was and itz consequences...
as for the article quite long ago abt the teacher having sex with his ex student and impregnanting her... well... i dunno... the both of them are juz screwed up... one of them is lying and juz wants attention... the other... well.. i can only say poor thing.. but the teacher got the theory rite when he says he was going to marry her if she keeps the baby... juz not at that time becuz he doesnt wan to get married juz for the baby... i mean... itz not fair for the gal and the baby.... but well... if she wans to marriage to last.... then they should get married when they are good and ready for a commitment... not becuz of a baby and juz rush into marriage and struggle when they realise they cant really stand each other...
i noe this post is juz really irrelevant... budden i juz had the urge to post it out... =)
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
7:38 AM
Things I Knew But Have Forgottenhmmm... last nite i was talking to deardear... abt how i was very different... and he agreed with me saying that i am very quiet now... not lyk lat time during the skating lessons so frenly bubbly and cheerful le... i agree.. =(
anyway... then i was telling him how i think jolvin's not very happy with me and him being tgt... neither do darwin come to think of it... their attitude towards me changed alot when they noe me and issac tgt... but thats besides the point... i was saying that jolvin's a very nice person... well... cuz he was very nice to me... =) though it was only during the last lesson... previously he was more interested in the guys... =) they lyk... jolvin and chengwee teach the guys and issac was teaching us... and both grps were going at different paces...
then during the last lesson i was super bu shuang cuz darwin forced me to go down the slopes... then.... jolvin was nice... the whip potato... esp going down the last slope... he was really really nice abt it... and then the humps... forcing me to go over it... lucky i smart... =) i go faster than him while he was messing with the guys... wahaha....
when i was telling deardear all this he was lyk abit bu shuang or sth lyk tt... then i was still wondering y... until he told me in the end that they were saying that jolvin was interested in me!!!!
actually it din come as that much of a surprise... i think last time got ppl tell me the jolvin was interested in me... though i wasnt sure if that person was kidding not... and that reminded me that someone oso say that darwin was interested in me... haha... all these i knew but din give much tot to...
all these were said last yr in april lyk tt.... so i was lyk... if i were as materialistic(i think i spelt wrongly)as i guys said i was... i could have juz tried to seduce anyone of them ma... i was closer in fact to darwin than to issac.... and after that jolvin... i din really talk to issac til much later... i could have done a lot of things that i did not do...
shouldnt i have given myself a pat on my back on being able to wad... catch the attention of these 3 guys who are older than me? more mature? a mere 16 year old student catching the eye of 3 20 year old guys who are already working??? but i am juz saying that if these rumors are true... of cuz rumors have a basis in fact... a sideways glance and a word too much... gives birth to a rumor... but they are not necessarily true...
but my point is... along the way i lost someone impt to me... not precious... impt... and i'm tired...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
4:47 AM
Monday, March 05, 2007
Controversyi think me being with deardear has cuz alot of controversy.... becuz... i keep getting weird vibes from ppl... lyk when amanda asked me how i caught issac.... casual comments... expected question... but she's rite... how many ppl hook up with their teachers or instuctors? i mean none of the gals even kept in touch with the instructors much less close contact i think... except for the guys la... =) DOTA does alot... haha... anyway... dun think jolvin is happy with me and issac being tgt... keep saying i changed alot... ya.. i did... but not becuz i was trying to hook up with an instructor... i'm not trying to prove anything... that i am wad... able to attract guys older than me... or some weird thing... i was frenly then... becuz that was me then...now i changed... i am more reserved... not becuz i got wad i wanted...
anyway... face the facts... how many ppl r gonna believe that a 20 year old working guy would be serious abt a 16 year old student... me myself din believe it at first... now i do... but ppl will juz say that i am blind cuz i am head over heels in love with him... lyk my parents... so ya... wadeva...
anyway... next time round my topic will be on sex before marriage... =) i'm v interested in that subject nowadays... due to some casual comment by one of my detractors.. =) i aked ard some ppl and i got some answers which provided me with some insight to sex before marriage and shotgun marriage.... my cousins and aunts and uncles being prone to this has oso taught me alot... actually... its juz some robinsons promoters that i asked... yong jian being one that was very open abt it! thanks!! =) u taught me more than u think u did... wahaha
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
3:11 PM
Itz Juz All Abt Mehmmm... i'm gonna talk abt me and my feelings... and how much i dun lyk me.. =D so ya... wadeva... juz some crap...
btw... random tots.... look at urself b4 u criticize others pls... i see u gushing abt ur bf ALOT oso... and ooooh how i hate my detractors... esp ppl who dun look at themselves b4 criticizing me.... i guess jealousy does alot huh... =D i'm being super BHB but forgive =p i'm a very childish person...
another random tot... ppl seem to think i'm older than my age by alot... even deardear tink so... i shall elaborate later... so me being childish is not good... yucky... i dun lyk it...
ok... back to wad i started this post abt...
yesterday was zhiliang's bdae... or kent rather... =) chinese name too long... =x so ya...
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY KENT!!!!even though i was at ur party yesterday la... =) but i din wsh u happy bdae... becoz... well... u din seem to hear me when i said hi... this is the sad part abt attending ur bf's fren bdae... u dun noe each other well dun juz... well dun really noe wad to say... at least... well kent is a frenly and nice guy... =) he did try to engage me in a conversation without being detracting... =)
another random tot... i love the word 'detract' and variations of it... cuz i found out many of my frens dunno wad it means!!! makes me feel damn pro to noe the word... i really dun care if u noe it or not... u... yes u.... my detractor... =) i told u i love the word... i feel so shuang noeing it... i'm such a little freak.. =D
anyway.... i dun understand if u do stupid things to my bf in front of me wad am i supposed to do... anyone can teach me? if i pretend not too care its lyk really bad.... but wad CAN i say... i dun really noe u guys well huh? it seems lyk everyone there noe each other for lyk years... and i have nv met anyone of them b4... the feeling sux...
i dun lyk the way i react to ppl... it seems lyk i can nv get pass my past huh.... i wish i could forget all those things that happened... so i wouldnt be so wary of ppl... lyk i need an hour to seize someone up at least and deduce whether this person is nice or not..... and whether i can make frens with that person... years of honing this skill has allowed me to to give the verdict of whether someone is even worth my time of seizing him up within 5 mins of looking at the person...
i guess u can run away from many things but not urself ba.... wad happened to that cheerful gal who can make frens with anyone... who has frens everywhere? for the past year i have been treating so many ppl with such a horrible attitude even i am appalled by myself...
i'm not really as tough as i seem... the confidence i seem to have is nothing but a facade... wad happened recently that i read affected me so much that i can hardly keep the mask up.... usually i would have done pretty well or at least seem to be at ease among the ppl that i dunno... but i can barely keep the pained expression off my face...
putting ppl at ease ard me used to be sth i was able to do with ease... but now i am not even at peace with myself... din help that it seems each time i met kent i have a quarrel with my parents... jolvin was rite... i din used to be so cold... wad happened to the bubbly gal during the skating lessons? shearn was part of her disappearance... sj... camp... and benson was another part.... that person was another part... i'll see who gets the shotgun... xp...
i miss her so much... she made my life so much easier... i wish i could find her.... but from where should i start? i need so much help.........
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:46 PM
