Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I Love Me!!!Staying at home has been concluded as being unconducive to my well-being.
But whatever.
Point is... I went out with Carmen darling today!!!
Was supposed to watch Inception with her friends, but all the shows that they can make for are sold out. Then by the time we got around to deciding that we will just forget about her friends and watch ourselves, ALL the shows are out. =(
In the end we ate at Shokudo and then shopped around 313. We got ourselves so freaking tired we were stoning and dragging out feets around. Haha... So we went home! Had fun fun fun today though!
Home seems to be associated with unhappy feelings. I guess its because for a very long time I have been depressed at home. I feel like I should get over it. But Carmen says I ought to take it slow and let things be for awhile cause eventually they will right themselves out. I should ease myself out of it instead of expecting instant results.
But the more I'm rutting, the more I'm afraid it's going to be harder to get out.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
9:08 PM
Friday, July 16, 2010
Lack of ConfidenceI hate my life now. I feel so bitter all the time and there is no purpose in my life. I don't know what to do with myself.
Seriously, sometimes I wonder what am I living for. Everything just seem to keep going wrong. For a moment last time, I thought things were finally making a change for the better. But now it seems things are going downhill again.
I hate the fact that things are out of my control. I really think I should change my mindset and the things that I am centering my life around. But if I really be honest with myself, I don't really want to change.
I'm too tired to change. I feel like I have been trying so hard for so long I don't want to do this anymore. I feel like even if I change nothing will be different.
My life right now is meaningless. No friend or boyfriend is going to make me feel differently about this. I'm too tired to attempt to improve my life.
I'm in a rut.
And I just feel like dying.
I don't know what to do with myself and most of the time I feel like just breaking down and crying. I'm just living day to day in a dream trying to pull myself through. But if I were really serious with myself, it's not working.
I keep wanting to go out. I hate my house. There are so many things in my home that I cannot stand. But when I'm out, I just want to go and hide. I don't want to keep pretending to be fine with my friends. But at the same time, I don't want to be alone. I don't know what to do.
I really really really want all of these to just stop. Can't all these bad things just stop? I mean really stop and don't come back. It was getting better but then now it just started to get worse.
I'm so frustrated and I really want to just cry. But it's not going to make anything better.
I feel like killing myself.
Please just stop being mean to me. I can't take this anymore.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
6:24 PM
