Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Day At The DentistHaven't been to the dentist for like 3 years. Felt abit apprehensive about going cause I know it wasn't for a regular check up. Omg... Stayed there from 11 until like 2 doing my tooth. It was super bad. I can't believe I could tolerate such a long time for an infection this bad. It actually affected my nerve.
Shaun helped me find one of his friend's friend at NUS to do it for me. Cause undergrads are cheaper. But turns out my tooth was so bad that the doctor herself had to do it for me. The tooth feels super weak though, and uncomfortable. Feels like crap. Think my tooth is completely hollowed out. At least the half of the tooth that is still there is. The rest of my tooth is just calcium hydroxcide and IRM. Whatever they are.
I was so exhausted that I fell asleep while they are fixing my tooth. At the end of it, my mouth was lopsided cause there was so much anesthetic that I couldn't move the left side of my mouth. The pain killers and antibiotic made me so sleepy when I took them at about 3pm after Ayam Penyet at Lucky Plaza that by 5pm at Orchard Central I was zombified.
This stupid auntie at Ayam Penyet Ria kept staring at me la. Cause I was eating and drinking weird cause of the anesthetic. But me and Shaun were so hungry! We haven't eaten since like morning we woke up cause we were going for the checkup and I was late cause I forgot to bring his jacket. Then poor him had to wait outside for me for like the 4 hours I was in there doing my tooth. My mouth feel so stretched cause they pull it open for so long!! =x
Yesterday was out with Shaun and Carmen. Haha... Missed Carmen like crazy. I kept smelling Pull and Bear For Men yesterday then I keep wondering where is it from? Turns out Shaun was using it. Haha... Realise I fell in love with that scent. Haha... Was surprised that my nose can recognise that scent la.
I kept smelling it then I was like,
'You smell Pull and Bear? I keep smelling it.'
'Why? I'm using it."
'Oh my god, really? God, I'm so smart. I actually recognised it!'
Haha... Damn crazy. I love his Zara Men jacket too! Stole it from him yesterday then I was late today cause I forgot to bring it. But I kept wearing it and after I got so sleepy cause of the medication I realise when I woke up in bed just now that I was still wearing it. =x Completely forgot to give him back.
At one point of time, this used to be the sad blog and the other the happy one. Now, at least for today, things kind of switched. Hmmm, future? I guess, I don't want to have a future.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
10:05 PM
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Emotional RollercoasterIt seems like every little thing can push me over the limits. I don't know what to say. Even when blogging, I feel like there is so much inside me I don't know how to start. Alone in Qiyuan's room right now. Freaking out about tomorrow's SM presentation. I don't know what can I do to help myself. Going to SAA tomorrow to look for the school counsellors. I hope they can help.
I wonder if I have depression. If I took the checklist, I think I will have everything there. I feel like there is no one who can help me. Even the people who helped, it seems like they want something from me. How come I can be there for my friends and all I ask is there when this day comes for me, they can be there for me too. But turns out, reality is that they have to have something now. It seems like they help me now and I have to pay some favors to them now. I helped them then and I didn't need anything. Now that I do, it seems like the favor card has expired.
Reality is harsh. I know that now. I fully experience it now. People say that secondary school years will be your best years in life. Thats true. I found my true friends then. People who will stand by me no matter what. I try to pretend it didn't matter. That it was my fault. But the hurt is reverberating in me. It won't go away.
Threw my temper at Qiyuan. Cause he hurt my feelings. But it was because I had it up to my head then. I know he didn't mean to. But nonetheless, it still hurt. My criteria is simple. I have to be more important than anyone else. You can go out and fuck anyone but ultimately, you have to come back to me cause I was more important. But you threw your temper at me cause you wanted to talk to her and you were sleepy. You claim that you were just kidding. But my dear, after so many days with you, you think I cannot differentiate between your 'I'm just kidding' voice and your 'I'm pissed' voice?
We cannot be anything more than friends cause we aren't ready for anything more. In my current situation, getting into a relationship with someone like you is suicide. I think it will be the thing that will ultimately push me over the edge into the abyss. You? You will never be ready for a serious relationship. At times I wonder if its cause you're too insecure. But honestly? I don't know. I don't want to know the answer anyway. I dread it.
I tried to put things behind. But I don't know how to face you. It's not in me to hold a grudge. But, I don't know. I don't hate you. I don't blame you. I just don't knwo how to face you. My heart is still tearing. It is still breaking. I don't know how to stop it, how to mend it. The secrets I hold in me are bursting forth one by one. I cannot stop it. I feel so insecure and so exposed. The fact that so many of you know so much about me. I don't know.
Feel cold all the time. I think I'm falling sick. My lungs feel like they are trembling, my muscles quivering. Is my outside too hot or my inside too cold? My palms are sweating and my forehead is beading up. But I'm cold.
Save me?
淚了 Lei Le -- 東城衛 Dong Cheng Wei & 曾沛慈 Zeng Pei Ci
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
9:35 PM
Saturday, January 23, 2010
My Passing...I wondered whether if one day I disappeared, would anyone notice. Then I realise, I have been out of touch with so many important people in my life that even if I do, I think they will never know. The people I'm still in touch with right now? Hmmm... I seriously doubt my disappearance would make a difference. Afterall, time has proven to be the best revealer ever.
I wonder what's there for me to be holding on for. An uncertain future? Screwed up relationships? Or what? Essentially, nothing.
I think I can leave without regrets. But I think back on the last time I tried. That mark is the one holding me back. Telling me I will regret. That phone call that day probably saved my life. Now that the veins are more obvious, I realised the scar is right above the vein. If he hadn't called, I might have puntured it. Then there will be no more today.
Issac saved me that day. For the past 4 years. I've been living for him. For the fact that his call brought me back, and the fact that I love him. But now, the reason is gone. Nothing is worth me living for. Friends won't be there for ever.
Once, we were close friends, now we are strangers.
Once, you were my life, now you are my death.
As more time passes, this idea seems better. As foolish and cowardly as it is, it feels easier. I'm replaceable. Without Nikki, there's always someone else. One by one, all of you have proven that to me. As if telling me it is the right thing to do. I keep trying to stop myself. I wonder how long will I last. What if I lose control again? Maybe it's all for the better.
Ya... Perhaps it is. But I won't do it. I will try my hardest not to. I am trying. But I feel more desolate as each day pass. More and more lonely.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
1:44 AM
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
A Shithole AgainIt seems that every bad thing has a companion, or rather many many companions. Betrayed by my friends with unfeeling words. I'm fine.
I have to pretend that everything is okay, even though my heart is hurting like crazy. I rather have Issac hurt me 10 times over than to have to both of you treat me like that.
I feel myself wildly grabbing for my friends. Afraid to be alone even for a moment. I'm holding on so tightly to Qiyuan I think I'm suffocating him. Grabbing at my friends hoping that they will be there for me.
I'm terrified.
I think of the things you said to me and I wonder how can anyone do such stuff? I want to turn my life over but no one's giving me a chance to do it. You are just taking turns to screw me over. I need time for a breather.
I keep suppressing the urge cause I keep telling myself that it's not the solution and I'll be letting alot of people down. But now it's overwhelming me. I just want to end everything. I don't want to do this anymore. I've never felt so scared and alone in my life. Even when Jingying screwed me over I still had Issac, Carmen, Lishi, Lynn and the girls. Now we are all scattered all over and none of them can be there for me anymore.
I know Qiyuan and Shaun has been trying to do as much for me as they can. But I feel like I'm just a burden to them. Talking to Tommy just made everything worse. I feel like turning back time but I can't even find the time I want to turn back to. If I turn back to with Issac and things were not good but still not so bad I won't have Qiyuan and Shaun and Shearn by my side. I will never appreciate the things that they have done for me or find out what good friends they are.
But now, I'm scared. Scared out of my wits. I don't know what to do at all. I just keep pretending to be happy when there's people around and crying like crazy when I'm alone. It's driving me crazy. I need to go back to the person I was. But I don't have the drive to do it. I know Qiyuan is trying to help me alot, but I cannot motivate myself to do it. I want to pull myself out of this shit but I don't know how to start.
I just feel like killing myself.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
6:35 PM
Friday, January 15, 2010
Fucking PissedI'm super annoyed lo. Already say I have to leave early ask me hand in the report later I say okay la but need to be early wad. WTF... Slowly do slowly think slowly discuss...
'I like this one lehz.. How? But no space. Cannot tear out! But I like lehz.. How?'
Damn fucking annoyed.
Stupid Frostie. Juz fucking go die lo. Anyway no one wans to look after you wad. Juz everyone fucking vent ur frustration on me only. Angry with ur sis angry with ur dog then give me fucking attitude. Not angry at me u claim. But fucking give me attitude oso.
Wad the fuck all of u take me for? Fucking treat me lyk shit lyk tt. Y the fuck do i have to fucking take this kind of fucking crap from everyone? Get mad at ur son throw ur temper at me. Wad do i look lyk? Dun say anything dun mean tt din hurt can? itz fucking annoying. Y the hell everyone is lyk tt?
Ya. talk nicely to him ask him go clubbing and show me fucking attitude. when u nv go sch say got work proj give u easiest things to do. tell me u dunno how to do the proj i dunno how to do i oso go find the info for u. then now i dun go sch u give me this kind of shit. i dunno wad the hell is wrong with you ppl.
i tolerate doesnt mean its ok to treat me lyk shit can? fucking bunch of assholes.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
see frostie for wad? wait for everyone to be angry and i have no where to go? fucking wan me to get out of ur room but ever think that i cant go there oso? she's obviously mad and u ask me juz go in and wad? disturb her? u urself dun wanna talk to her cuz ur mad and wad the fuck can i do?
cant get a fucking moment of peace. lyk bloody dogs hounding after me. continue treating me lyk crap u bloody bastards k? its fine cuz neither of u got any conscience at all. ask me to do fucking ridiculous things. ever tot of my feelings not? ya. got think of my feelings la. when it suits u wad. when its to ur benefit then think lo.
sick and tired of all these crap. i'm not going to let myself suffer anymore. give me fucking attitude when i ask u to choose. u noe how difficult to choose rite? if its so fucking easy then stop fucking asking and think of it ur fucking self.
treat me lyk shit then ok lo. i will be shit then. as shitty to u as u are to me. give me attitude i can give it rite back u.
bloody idiots.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:54 PM
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Because I CareIt is easy to say that I'm not bothered about what people think. It's true that I don't. Whether you approve of what I do, I don't care. Especially if I don't know you. But I DO know you. You are one of my closest friends. Thats why I want you to understand. Because I care.
I don't want you to misunderstand our relationship because it matters to me what you think. But you don't even know the full picture and you insist that I am wrong. Once again, I'm not even given the chance to explain myself.
I'm quite sick and tired of people assuming things about me. Especially since you know me so well. Or maybe it is because you know me well and you think that you know what I think. But the things that happened? Do you even have the vaguest idea? But yet there you are condemning my actions. The request you asked was so unreasonable but still I'm forced to comply. Because I care for you as my friend. But as my friend, why are you asking me to do such things? Why don't you even bother to find out the truth? You who know him better than me should know the difference better than me.
Lets juz say that I am wrong, he's family is wrong, he's wrong. But so what? There is nothing going on. Even if I want something to be going on. Why do you think we have not? Because he doesn't thats why. Why am I not just one of his girls? Because that is not what I am. But still, you won't believe me. And this is the last time I will try to make you understand.
I give up.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:44 PM
Monday, January 11, 2010
Running AwayI feel like running away from all my problems and hoping they will solve themselves. I dunno wad am I going to do. My life is getting more and more messed up each day. Everyday I see a larger mess and I feel like running away. Then the next day there is a bigger mess. I need to prioritize! But now I feel like I can't. Everything is spinning out of control.
I'm scared. I don't think I have the strength to make things work. I need to pull myself together now. But I dunno wad am I anymore. I want everything to juz stop right now. I need everything to stop. I wish I can juz end my life. But that wun solve any of my problems. I juz want to pretend everything is ok. But I can't. Not anymore. I can't run away anymore.
Why did I let my life become like that? Everything is blurred together I dunno what is what. I want to go back to the day when everything was okay. I cannot take this anymore.I can't I can't. I want to turn my life around but I dunno what to do. I feel like hiding all the time and I dun wanna face the facts. I have to but I can't do it.
I'm driving myself crazy. I thought I moved on but I haven. I know I dun love him anymore. But I'm so crazy as to think that getting back with him will make everything okay again. I miss Qiyuan. But he cannot always be there for me. I miss Evey. But she has her own life to lead. I miss Amanda. But she cannot solve my problems for me. I miss Faifai. But I neglected him so much I dunno how to face him. I miss shearn. I miss weien. I miss yongjian.
Most of all I miss Lishi. She has been there for me since the beginning. She knows all of my problems inside out. She understands me better than anyone else. But she can only listen. She cannot replace the void inside me.
I miss all of these people who are there for me. These are the people who nv failed to be by my side. I've been in this rut for so long but they haven abandoned me. I know some of them are exasperated with me for wallowing in this hole. But I dunno how to control myself. Sometimes I dun even remember doing something at all. I juz realise that I'm doing it. Or sometimes I dun remember doing anything at all that I have apparently done.
Getting by day by day mechcanically. As long as I'm on the move I can pretend everything is okay. But the moment I slow down everything catches up with me. I'm self-destructing but I cannot stop it. How can I stop it when I'm not even aware of myself doing it? I feel inebriated all the time. Very happy sometimes very sad sometimes. I'm starting to think that I'm mental.
I'm terrified of wads going to happen next. Everything seems to be happening at once. Everything that I have done is catching up with me now. I juz wanna get away from everything. But I can't run away anymore...
I feel
trapped.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
8:24 PM
Stupid InfectionIn total agony cuz of a fucking infection. It's past the drink more water stage already. My kidneys are aching like crazy. Made the mistake of eating KFC somemore. Few bites into the meal I can feel my blood pressure going crazy already. Haiz... It's my own fault for not standing my ground and allowing myself to suffer like that.
Got my phone from Qiyuan in the afternoon at school had lunch then go to the polyclinic. Stupid doctor dunno how to read my records lo... Dun believe me when I say got infection like I want to lie like that. Too mad to elaborate but I think he's quite new and got a shock from the way I talk.
Oh... Also got a referral to the CGH dermatology for the scarring on my chest. Hmmm... He's face was super funny when he realise the area of my scarring. He got the 'Wa... So poor thing.' face. You would think by now I'm used to it already. Unfortunately I'm not. Scheduled the appointment on 27/01/10. Or rather they gave the appointment day to me. Wondering should I go cause it's bound to be very expensive and all. Haiz...
Why am I in this state? Get an infection cuz of him, ruined my health working cuz of him, gave myself financial trouble cuz of him. In return for wad? Nothing but suffering for myself. How idiotic can I get? Fucked up...
I feel like quitting from K9. The place was not what I thought it was. Everyone changed le. And now Sherwin's not working there anymore things are starting to look sucky. I don't feel like blogging anymore. The stupid med is giving me gastric. Argh...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
4:59 PM
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Boring Sunday...Okay... So now I'm at home cause I'm feeling too sick to go out. Aching like crazy and stuff. I wonder why am I feeling so crappy? I haven't been doing anything wad... -.-"
But on the random side, I love the chilli mummy made. It doesn't smell really strong but when you eat it, it's like fire!!! Cool! She ground the chilli padi, seeds and all, and fried them with I dunno what and the result is some amazing chilli. Haha... Loves it like crazy. I'm gonna eat them with everything. Haha..
On a not so random side, I've been so dumdum! I thought yesterday was sunday and today was going to be monday when I actually knew that today was going to be sunday and I thought I was going to get my phone from Qiyuan today cause today will be monday but I knew that I will be going school only tomorrow. =x So one more day without my phone. Haiz...
And on the randomest side, I can't find bumbum!! =( He's missing... Mummy took my sheets to was that day and I came back and couldn't find him anymore! Mummy din see him either... =( I miss bumbum...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:29 PM
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Stressed Up AgainI'm juz getting stressed up again. What with school, work and relationships. Relationships refering to all sorts. My non-existent love life, my troubled family life and my weird friendships. Everything is spinning round and round making me sick.
Losing my appeitite once again. Falling sick all over again. I dun wanna feel like this! I juz wanna snap out of it! Frustrated with myself for getting myself into this mess. Whats so difficult about pretending everything is fine and getting on with life? Why tear myself up over this? Idiot.
Want so badly to sleep but I'm hurting all over. Literally. Haiz. Wad can I do for all these cuts bruises and aches? My neck hurts like crazy and somemore I slept on the train and made my neck worse. Even cold compress is not helping... I dunno wad to do...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
10:34 PM
Is There A Future For Me?I look to my future and wonder what the hell am I supposed to do? Planned my future for the things we do together. Now... I don't know what to do.
Lost.Making one mistake after another. I wish everything can juz stop here. I don't wanna know my future. I just want the pain to stop. Right now.
Just Stop.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
9:16 PM
Friday, January 08, 2010
Singapore to Malaysia to Singapore AgainArgh... Tired of shuttling between Singapore and Malaysia. But to see Frostie I have to! Oh well... Gonna go work later but I'm exhausted. Already been so busy hardly had time to sleep, the weekends are finally here but I was kept awake by Frostie last nite! =(
Have to work cause I need the money. Fucked up. How am I gonna replace all the missing money?? Damn. I guess I just have to work twice or thrice as hard. Haiz...
Can'r wait to get my new passport so that it will be easier for me to travel. Phone go no battery cause forget to charge. =( Have to go work soon!! ZzZzZ... I'm sleepy...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:10 PM
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Messed Up DayToday, school was tough. I'm so tired of everything. Worried about the next time I'm gonna lose control, worried about the distance growing between us, worried about school, worried about work. Not working again this weekend. Eating grass next month.
Broke down in school day. First thing in the morning I stepped into class and felt the world spinning away. Got emo again and went out of SMM crying like shit. Luckily I managed to collect myself in time and joined the class again. Then during LERM got my results back, wondered what's happening to my life, went out of class, cried again. I feel that I can longer hold back my tears. They juz slip out whenever they want to and I cannot stop them. Cried on the train on the way home juz now. Feeling like crap, no idea wad happened. Dun even know wad made me start crying. Called Lishi during LERM and she rushed over to find me. Scared the shit out of her cuz I dun think she ever saw me cry like that before. Eve came out to look for me. I think I hurt her feelings cuz I din confide in her. But I know she doesnt want to know about them.
Things have been weird between me and Eve. Today I finally find out why she's mad. She thinks me and Qiyuan are like headed for disaster and then we will like breakup or shit and she dun wanna be forced to take sides cuz she's both our frens. But the thing is, things are different now. Me and Qiyuan, we're not even together how to break up? Nothing will spoil the things between me and him cuz we already came to a conclusion on what to do. Otherwise Frostie will never be bought in the first place. Buying him was not a rash decision that we made. Things are not complicated at all. When you look at it in the beginning it is. If you want to strictly classify everything into catergories, it is. But if things continue as they do, it isnt.
I cut alot of lessons to spend time with Issac. My results sucks. I dunno how am I going to make it better but... I guess I can only try.
Growing more and more afraid everyday. Dreading the next time I lose control. I'm terrified.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
5:47 PM
Monday, January 04, 2010
RantingsI feel so stressed today. In school, I feel tensed all the time. I feel lost and I din know wad to do. Met Qiyuan in the morning. Told wad I rmb of wad happened last nite then everything felt better. But I din wanna leave. I din wanna be alone. So I stayed with him and missed all my morning lessons. Then when he left, I felt lost again. When I was with him, I felt that everything was going to be okay, and that everything was perfect. But when he left, I din noe wad to do with myself.
I feel that I'm gonna snap. So tensed and stressed all the time. I dunno why. I'm not such a needy person. Not usually so insecure. Especially after supperclub. I almost went crazy there. I was not myself that day. I dunno wads happening to me. One moment I'm very very happy and the next I feel like sobbing my heart out. I tried to pretend that everything is okay and normal but I'm getting scared. I feel like I dun recognise me anymore.
Everything I do is hazy and I can barely remember wads happening. I feel like I'm juz going through the motions in life and acting purely on instinct. After the conversation yesterday, the confusion is deeper. I feel like breaking down and crying. But somehow, when I cried last nite, I felt like the tears couldn't reach my heart. Like the tears are only flowing cuz they are supposed to, not cuz I'm upset or anything. I dun understand.
I feel detached from my life. Like I'm a third party watching someone live my life out for me. I juz want closure. I wan to move on. But I dun wanna lose myself. I dunno wad to do.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
5:43 PM
Sunday, January 03, 2010
The Dashwood Sisters' Secret of LoveBy Rosie RushtonFor everyone who finds the meaning of love -- and has the courage to live it.
A tried and true secret of love:
If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. If she can hesitate as to Yes, she ought to say No, directly.--Jane Austen
Secret No. 1Sometimes a broken heart beats louder then all the whole hearts combined.
Secret No. 2There is really no accounting for taste.
Secret No. 3Love is a bit like a doodle by van Gogh -- your lopsided circle could be a masterpiece to someone else.
Secret No. 4Very few things are worth taking a risk for -- love, family, and the prospect of a first kiss.
Secret No. 5Even mums have hearts.
Secret No. 6There is nothing like a bit of competition to make you want something (or someone) more than you probably should.
Secret No. 7Nothing hurts more than a heart broken without warning.
Secret No. 8There is nothing you should be gentler with than love -- except possibly newborn kittens.
Secret No. 9Your heart is the one thing no one can take from you -- at least not until you decide to give it away.
Secret No. 10Apparently even wretched cows fall in love.
Secret No. 11Love does not die easily -- it often grows while no one is watching.
Secret No. 12You don't often get to choose the people that come into your life, but sometimes you get awful lucky.
Secret No. 13Sometimes things are really too good to be true.
Secret No. 14No matter what anyone else says, it really is the thought that counts.
Secret No. 15Planning love is like trying to control the weather -- impossible, frustrating and unnatural.
Secret No. 16No one is perfect, but sometimes people are perfect for each other anyway.
Secret No. 17If love is blind, then friendship probably needs some glasses too.
Secret No. 18The only thing worse than knowing your guy has a girlfriend is hearing about her. The only thing worse than that is seeing her.
Secret No. 19Remember No. 18? Um, yeah.
Secret No. 20Love triangles are really anything but lovely.
Secret No. 21Sometimes love really does find you when you least expect it (and thus are not properly dressed)
Secret No. 22Sometimes the perfect guy for you isn't the perfect guy for everyone else. And sometimes - and here's where it gets sticky - he thinks he is.
Secret No. 23Never turn down a date.
Secret No. 24Falling in love is the greatest adventure there is -- which incidently, can make it quite dangerous. After all, a broken heart can hurt more than a broken leg.
Secret No. 25Sometimes the more you ignore love, the more seriously it hunts you down.
Secret No. 26Friendship can lead to love, but it doesn't usually work the other way around.
Secret No. 27Absence can do two things to love: make it stronger, or allow you to pretend it never existed at all.
Secret No. 28You'll never forget your first kiss.
Secret No. 29There's no worse combination than a broken heart and too much champagne.
Secret No. 30Surviving a broken heart requires the same as recovering from any injury -- time and love. (And a little ice cream doesn't hurt.)
Secret No. 31Sometimes a kiss says more than words can (no matter how good a talker you may be).
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
8:48 PM
Weird FriendsOmg... Why the people like that one? Yesterday too tired so never really talk alot about the horrible day at Supperclub. Got in on guest list so din have to pay and everything which was cool. But then things got not so cool.
There was this particular guy with a gf. They were Weijie's friends la. That guy super irritating. Go clubbing with gf but still wanna dance with other girls then super touchy and keep trying to grab me and Evey. So annoying can? Then the gf oso very annoying. She dance with other guys then the bf keep coming too find me then is not like I wanna dance with him or anything but he keep standing behind me trying the grind me. Then the gf get jealous and keep trying to grab him then he will smile and dance with her while trying to put his hand around my waist.
They are a screwed up couple lo. I really dun wan your bf can? No interest at all. Somemore his reaction very fast. I just woke up to use FB then saw his friend request. Yesterday met him only morning friend request liao. I think the gf gonna hate me. Argh... But its not my fault!!
Then got this other guy in stripped shirt. So annoying!!! He juz suddenly wrap his arms around me from behind and pull me away from my friends. Is one of WJ's friend again. They are super fucked up lo. Where got people like that one? Is so rude and no respect at all. I keep pushing his hands away and he juz dun wanna let go lo. And somemore he keep trying not juz once only. ARGH!!
Got this point of time these 3 guys juz cut me off from YX and WJ. Juz isolate me and keep pressing on me. OMG... At that point of time I knew I had to get out. These people are desperate and crazy. NSmen. If I knew beforehand going with so many NSmen I wun go already. Evey only told me that YX and WJ going lo. ARGH....
Make a point to note who are the people going clubbing next time. All of them. Never again I will go clubbing and NSmen unless I can be sure that I at least have one savior. Itz all so fucked up. Wish you were here. I miss you.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:25 PM
Horrible Day at SupperclubThe music sucked, the crowd sucked, the dance floor sucked and the friends' friends sucked.
Dunno why some guys so idiot one. You put your hands around me I try to push it away means I dun want you to touch me, dun mean that you hold on tighter lo. Fuck. Damn annoyed by the guys there. No respect at all. Then the only nice one there got no initiative at all. Other guys push him away then he juz move. Somemore got one juz grabbed me and like wanna run away with me or something. Never again man. Recently all me friends' friends all no etiquette. Fucked up.
But today, I almost lost control of myself. At many times I was teetering on the edge. But luckily I came back to my senses in time. I dunno if my will power was really that good or the guys were juz too gross. But wadeva it is, I'm glad I kept myself safe, at least to a point. I cannot allow myself to self-destruct again. No matter wad happens again I must keep myself sane.
Talked to you today. Now I know you are truly gone. I don't harbour any hopes anymore. But I juz wished that I wasn't so dumb. That I hadn't done all those stupid things. I came so close to losing myself recently too often.
I'm scared.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
3:33 AM
Saturday, January 02, 2010
BlogdersOmg... Nikki's blog got readers again!!! The count is running!!!
Why is the everytime I update my blog constantly but I dun tell anyone people will still read? I guess that means I have amazing friends. Friends who constantly still check up on me to make sure I'm fine.
I'm super happy and excited cuz I finally got a puppy of my own.
Shall blog more about my baby another day cuz I'm really sleepy now and I still have work tml.
Nikki <3 Frostie
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:54 AM
Friday, January 01, 2010
RuinationI loved you so much, and I gave you wadeva I could give. So much so that now, wadeva I feel, pales in comparison. I can't seem to love anyone else as much, and wadeva I do don't seem to be enough. Part of me is reluctant to fall in love again. And wadeva that I do with other guys, seem to be somehow detached from myself.
Somehow, I feel like just letting myself go. I do not care about wad others think. But I do not want to go back to who I was. I dun wanna look back again and realise my life has once again lost itz meaning. I feel torn.
You tore me. Apart. At the seams.
They say you are fine now. And that proved me right. Wadeva that happens is no long er your business. You say you dun owe me anything. And true to your word you act like you dun. I could ruin you too you know? I could tell them everything.
But I wun. That would mean lowering myself to your level. If you have any conscience at all, you will know wad to do. If not... I have already resigned myself to the fate of a fool.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
1:19 AM
