Sunday, February 21, 2010
A Little Prayer.God, if there is an afterlife, please don't give me any conscience or compassion. Don't give me the ability to love.
If I were to die, please hide my body away. Don't let anyone find me so that I can Rest In Peace.
I would rather I hurt everyone around me a hundred times over than for them to hurt me once. Isn't there anyone who will love me for who I am? If you can't love me for who I am, please don't ask me to change. I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not.
I'm not that strong, I can't go on and on like that. There is so much in me that is waiting to get out. I wish I hadn't tried to be myself. If I didn't get tired and stop pretending and let my weakness show everything wouldn't have become like that. Everything would have proceeded like normal and everything will be okay. Now that my true feelings have shown I cannot keep them back.
I'm weak. No amount of pretending can change it.
God, give me the strength to die. Take away the life that you have given me. I'm sorry I can't appreciate my life now, but there don't seem to be much to be appreciated. Give me a second chance God, and don't let me forget my lesson in this life. I promise to make better.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
4:29 PM
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Freaking OutSpent the entire night studying for a paper I don't know if I can take. Damn it. I can't remember what I studied too.
I
need to do this.
I
have to do this.
Damn it. I don't wanna let things go crazy. I want everything to be okay. Fuck Fuck Fuck.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
6:38 AM
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
My Thing with Fruits
I have this thing about eating fruits outside of my house, i.e. not cut by me or mummy. I don't like to eat them. I don't know why. People misunderstand that I don't eat fruits. Thats not true, I do eat them, you just don't see me do it. =D
But there are some fruits that I simply dislike eating. More common fruits are
Oranges, Bananas and
Jackfruit. Uncommon ones would probably be
Avocados and
Preserved Cherries. I hate
Oranges with a passion. Alot of people like to eat them and I don't know why. I think they taste disgusting. I love
Grapefruit though. Not just cause they are pink. =D I think
Bananas and
Jackfruits are absolutely horrid too! They are super smelly. To me at least. =X
Avocados are just gross cause they taste weird and are all mashy and yucky.
Preserved Cherries taste super weird too! All sweet and sickening. I like to eat
Cherries though, the real ones not preserved. Super nice!
Just a random post about random stuff cause I am once again freaking out for my paper tomorrow. And cause mummy just made me eat some oranges. But thats about it. =D
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
8:58 PM
So Addictive!I just realised how super addictive the
Guazi is.
It's like one is never enough. The thing is so tiny that you feel you just have to eat another cause it's not satsfying enough. But you can't just pop a few into your mouth at the same time cause it just doesn't taste as good. I ended up complusively cracking them and eating them one after another until I realise that I have almost eaten half of the box. =X
Then the CNY goodies that my aunt bought. Usually the goodies that you purchase is like about 3cm in diameter. Which is too much la. After one you feel like the taste is too overwhelming and you won't have another until much later. But the ones that my aunt bought is only like 1cm in diameter. Looks too small to be nice or filling enough. But when you eat it, the portion is just nice! After eating that you feel like having another cause your simply not sick of the taste and it's very nice. When your mouth gets too dry from the goodies, you have a sip of water and feel like you have to continue eating it!
I couldn't stop eating at all yesterday! Somemore the curry that my aunt cooked was awesome! I just kept eating curry rice and the goodies for the entire day! I can feel myself grow fatter already! =(
People say eating chilli will make you slimmer. I think that's a lie. I have OCD for chilli. Almost every single meal I eat with chilli. But I super respect it one! Cannot just anyhow mix things with chilli. There are also different chilli for different kinds of food that will make it taste nicer. I eat so much chilli but I still look like that. FAT. =(
Part of me feel that I actually eat too much chilli? Too much chilli will actually burn your stomach and give you health problems. But I think, chilli is in my genes. After generations of abusing our stomachs with chilli, we have evolved and I'd like to think that I have an iron cast stomach. =X Haha...
I am an alcholic, gambler and chilli-eater. It's in our genes.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
3:28 PM
Sunday, February 14, 2010
CNY cum Valentine's DayI wondered how was I going to fare today. Part of me can't help but wonder what we would have been doing if we din break up. But... I surprised myself. I asked Carmen out today cause I din know how to face CNY and V-Day without you. Turns out everything wasn't so bad afterall. Hmmm...
Got home early and I was so bored I went to Google her. =X Eh... Turns out she's not that skinny aftereall. And very bitchy? =X I even found her and her best fren's blogs. Haha... I feel like some sort of weird stalker. But hearing so much from you about her and then reading her blogs, I realise that she is a really really mean person. I felt that she was not very nice already but reading these things just made me more convinced that she's horrible. =X
Second day of CNY. Wonder how am I going to do again? Why everytime during the festivities I cannot get you out of my mind? Its not like I still love you or anything. But I feel so indignant that you all are enjoying yourselves after making my life hell...
This
SUCKZ.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
11:07 PM
Saturday, February 13, 2010
I Can't Do ThisI'm not used to being alone. I never felt like this and it has never bothered me much until now. I used to not even bother about Valentine's Day. But all of a sudden its so important to me that I'm not alone that day.
My whole life has been thrown off track and there is no one I can look for without feeling like I'm making use of them because there is only one person I really wish for to be here. But that person is not here, can't be here.
Just when I think my life is back on course, something throws it off. This emotional rollercoaster is too much. It took so much effort for me to stop rutting. But one simple thing I see or one simple thing I do or even one simple that occurs, just throws me back into the rut.
I want to stop feeling like that. But dammit I dun know how! Fuck it all! I just want to lead my life as normal back! I want to stop missing you! Because you're not mine. I have no right to. I'm yours. But somehow, I know, you will never be mine. I dunno whats holding you back. But whatever it is... I dunno. I'll be there. Not matter wad.
But... For how long? What if one day I can't take this anymore and you never found out where I went to?
How vulnerable is life? You know. Imagine if one day I died. How will my friends ever know? How can my family inform them? No one in my family know any of my friends. My funeral. Who will be there? The people that I care about, will you find out if one day I am dead? Can I say sorry now first for in case I died and you didn't know?
This is so morbid. But if one day you died, will anyone think to let me know? My head is filled with thoughts of death. What happens after death? The dread is growing again. Dammit.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:18 PM
A Whole New V-DayI don't want to spend tommorrow alone. Can anyone spend it with me?
Why is every single day more difficult to get pass? Every day is a struggle. Sometimes I really feel like giving up. At times like this, I don't know what to think or what to do.
Dammit. I miss you. Wish you were here baby.
I miss Frostie too...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:56 PM
Friday, February 12, 2010
A Little SecretDo you know, that actually you are so much prettier than me? I know everyone says I'm prettier but the fact is that YOU are the prettier one. If you stopped fading into the background and hiding behind your mum, everyone will be able to see how pretty you are.
I am loud and vulgar, you are soft-spoken and demure. I may be skinnier, but you definitely have nicer features. I wish you can know that. But I cannot tell you. I wish between us there was not such a huge wall. Years of rivalry has pushed us so far apart that I don't think anything can breach it.
But girl, you're amazng just the way you are. There's no need to be skinny to do it. I wish you can know that.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
11:24 AM
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Screwed UpAs the days go by and more things happen, I hate my life more. Somehow you have managed to poison the minds of the people around me. The more I find out, the more dead I feel.
I feel horrible seeing you. Knowing the things you say, wondering how you could say them, feeling like a used idiot. Going to school everyday is a torture. Everyday, as each minute pass, it feels like it is counting down to more heartache.
I cannot face walking into class, staying in class and school like everything is okay.
I feel happiest when I'm in Malaysia. When there is nothing for me to think about. Not about school, not about work, not about money, not about family, not about friends. Everyday, all I have to do is look after Frostie. I know I keep complaining about everything even when I'm there, but honestly? I feel most at ease and happiest there.
I know by going there so often I'm simply running away. It's stupid and irresponsible and it won't solve anything. But it makes me feel so much better. Every week, my only highlight is going over there and seeing Frostie. I live everyday just for the weekends to come and for me to go over. Every monday, I feel like crap.
But it seems, my time there, has to lessen significantly. For these 2 weeks, I won't be able to see Frostie. This week, I think I shouldn't go over. Next week, they will be at their hometown. How am I going to get pass these 2 weeks?
Suddenly I feel like the light has gone out of my life.
It turns out you were lying to me too. Until now, still lying. Why am I so stupid as to still believe you???
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
3:12 PM
