Wednesday, March 31, 2010
My BubbleWorldJust for a moment, I want to forget everything and live in my very own bubble world. My BubbleWorld colored in Pink and Rainbows and filled with, Chocolate, Marshmallow and Candy Floss. A place where Unicorns and cute Piggies roam.
Escape to my BubbleWorld.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:54 PM
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
A Day With CarmenHuge mistake going out today. Omg...
I checked. My foot didn't drop off. =D
Loving my hauls. Not going to talk about it though. Hehe...
I just really wonder.
I miss Carmen.
We were just talking about how if we were not already very good friends we could have totally been lesbian. Haha... I guess even for homosexual relationships there is also that 'Friend Zone' thingy.
Anything more sexual would feel wrong cause it feels like I am kissing my sister or something like that. Haha... That would not simply be incestuous but disasterous. =X
I think I might be Bi. Hmmm...
Food for thought.
I might just give guys up.
-.-''
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
10:21 PM
The Hurtful FootSprained my ankle yesterday at work when Sparkle the Bulldog crashed into me. =( Went to see the Sensei near Aljunied MRT today.
OMG... His treatment HURT! Like mad.
It was mad painful can? I never thought it will hurt quite so much. Like always previously my sprains did not hurt that much. But this time it was so crazy.
My foot is still sore. =(
Omg... I'm so super exhausted now... But I spent the day trapped at Mac with Carmen reading books!
ARGH!
I miss you.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:40 AM
Saturday, March 27, 2010
I Am Such A Blurred Person...-.-''
Apparently Shaun's friend saw me at Chinese Garden today and I didn't recognise him cause obviously I don't know him. It seems that when Shaun told his friends about me they immediately FB-ed me.
-.-''
But that's not the point. Point is... Recently there has been alot of people I think I ought to know or noticed because I was hanging around FC4 very often and the morning crowd is very small. But I think I have been too distracted to see them. I mean they see me so often they recognised me but I have no inkling of them at all. I feel so mean. =(
Oh well... I guess I'm just super blur. =X
Went to Jurong East Swimming Complex with Carmen and Lishi. Haha... Lishi is like awfully cute la! Her expression is just super adorable. I cannot believe this is the first time she went there, but I'm glad she came cause if she wasn't here me and Carmen will be like bored out of our minds cause we were there before. =X
I feel so conflicted now.
Random stuff, but until now I still rather I suffer more than have the people around me suffer. I'm still pretty stupid ain't I? ZzZzZ...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
11:05 PM
ReleasedAll of a sudden, I started crying for no reason. This time round, alone in my room, I finally allowed myself to cry my heart out.
All these time, I have only cried in
Qiyuan's presence. I always tried hard to stop crying in front of him. I guess the relief from the stress I felt all these time allowed me to finally cry at home.
I have never felt comfortable in my own home for a very long time. The only comfort I have was from being with
Qiyuan and knowing that he will never abandon me. I guess
that's why all these time it was only when I am with him that I felt safe to let my emotions show. But at the same time, I feel that it was wrong to let myself be vulnerable
in front of anyone so I always tried hard to stop crying.
Being able to let myself go in the privacy of my own room was a release in itself I guess.
I guess then, from now on, I have truly moved on.
I feel this sense of peace resonating within me.
I feel a sense of calmness that I have not felt for a very long time.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
1:15 AM
Friday, March 26, 2010
Super AnnoyedWhats with all the irritating people around me? Everyone seems to be asking me a tonne of questions about me. Why are you so invading my privacy? I don't get why do guys think it's cool to neg a girl. I cause I actually know what you are doing I don't think it's smart. I don't know. Or perhaps you have been neg-
ing me too much and it just simply annoyed me.
I cannot stand guys with lousy skills going after girls. I can think of 101 ways for them to be so much better. Especially older guys with lousy skills. You would think life would have gave them experience to brush up on their skills.
Argh! I guess they are just too dense to figure out why they cannot get girls.
Maybe
thats why older guys tend to get younger girls because those girls are still naive enough to get attracted by their mediocre skills.
I am seriously annoyed.
Especially those very
blatantly insulting questions.
Argh. Am I supposed to degrade myself to answer them? I still want my privacy thank you very much.
Afterall we are not that close. Even if we are, you should ask me questions in a positive way otherwise I will associate you with a negative feeling because you just keep neg-
ing me.
Especially the one who neg me overboard.
Argh! So stupid. Am I supposed to feel attracted to you because you make me feel stupid? I think YOU are the stupid one.
Asshole.
I think I should give this guys some tuition.
If you treat me really good and pay me really well, I can get you any girl that you can meet on the streets. Even the girl of your dreams. But of course, have some measure of yourself, don't attempt for girls that you can never get.
I am seriously put off by this bunch of idiots.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
1:53 PM
Thursday, March 25, 2010
A Rare Almost Perfect DayEarly this morning while I was freaking out and studying on the train to school, a bat flew into the train. =X
I heard a weird
gulping yelp and I thought someone vomited or something when an auntie jumped up. Then the whole stretch of seats cleared out except for some sleeping people and I thought 'Huh? Someone farted?'
Haha...
Then I saw the bat.
Apparently it flew into the door, straight at the glass and flopped on the auntie. All of a sudden it flew up and obviously tried to get out of the train with no success seeing that the doors were closed already. It spent the next 2 stations terrifying people out flying over their heads. It was amusing to see how when the bat flew up into the other side of the cabin, there was a rush of people fighting for seats -.-''
The poor bat was flying all over the cabin with is vaguely panicked look on its face.
Hmmm... Maybe I imagined it but I feel that it looked pretty distraught with its crinkly face. Couldn't fly well due to the train moving and the shit with the movement of the pressures
everytime the train started up or slowed down.
Even though we sorta knew that the bat wouldn't fly into us because it was doing a pretty good job of avoiding us other than when it flew into the window, everyone instinctively ducked when it flew over their head. It was kinda like watching a screwed up version of the
Kallang Wave.
Haha...
Eventually it flew out of the door and everyone gave a sigh of relief.
Haha... Gave me a very good distraction and calmed me down somewhat. =D
Reached school at 7plus and sat outside The Retail Place studying. I wondered if I will ever come back here again.
Hmmm... Started to freak out again.
Went for the paper and predictably I didn't remember a single thing.
Had a talk with Mrs Angie Tang after. I think I'm going to pass
afterall.
Sooo...
Goodbye Singapore Polytechnic. Good
riddance to all the horrible people.
I'll never have to see you again thank god.
<3<3<3
Thanks to Mr Roger Lee for giving me so much help and advice through this horrible time.
Thanks to Ms Chloe Tan for always being there to listen to me, not judging nor flinching.
Thanks to Mrs Angie Tang, Mrs Sarah
Lim and Mrs Patricia
Moreria for believing in me and giving me a second chance.
I'll definitely be back to SP to see you all. This time as part of the working society and no longer as part of SP. But I'll always be your student.
Called Mr Lee up to update him and to thank him for everything and he told me to keep him in the loop about my life. Lots of love. Tried calling Ms Tan but couldn't get her maybe she's off counselling someone else or on a course again or something. I'll call again.
Every single teacher here has offered me help and advice in the future if I ever needed them, and eventually I will. Thanks for everything.
I'm lucky to have great teachers if not great friends. At least in school.
From all these, I've learnt that no one is worth me doing or sacrificing so much for because they will not be reciprocated. I should learn to open up and trust more people but less in each person.
I believe I have become a smarter and better person from all these. Never let myself over-rely on anyone.
I am no longer reliant.
Coming out of the room knowing I passed my paper gave me the sudden realization that all these time, I was never truly happy. Despite feeling relieved that I did not have to take the paper and that it was a worry for next time, it has always been pressing at the back of my head without me knowing. I guess that worry was evident and obvious to the people around me if not to me.
Stepping out of school and feeling that huge burden lifted from me knowing I have finished my education literally made me feel so light. I finally understood that it was truly possible for the world to become brighter and more beautiful when there is nothing holding you back. That feeling I will always treasure but I will never want to experience it again. Because the stress that I have to be under before feeling this incredible feeling is too high a price to pay.
But it is possible for the colors in the world to become brighter, the hot sun to feel warm and feel a gentle breeze while walking.
I'm sorry to all my friend whom I have been short with especially Qiyuan who had to endure my sudden mood swings. I do know that I have been very emotional during this time but I did not understand why. I guess you were right in say that I have been partly venting my frustrations on you without realising it.
From now on my life will be more fulfilling than before.
Lots of love.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
6:29 PM
The Terrible Feeling of Feeling TerrribleSlept at 3am woke up at 5am to study somemore.
As I predicted, on the day of the exam my knowledge just flies out of the window. -.-''
Woke feeling nauseous cause I went through my brain bank and couldn't find a shit. I feel even worse now because after one and half hour of studying I still don't retain a single shit.
Fuck Fuck Fuck.
I have to be more confident because I know I can do it. I know that I can so I should be able to.
I just need to convince myself of this.
WTF
I hate myself.
I have to be on my way to school now.
Perhaps along the way I will feel better.
I hope.
Damnit.
I wish you were here.
Whenever I freaked out you were here.
Wish you were here now.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
6:31 AM
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
5 Hours to My PaperI'm feeling terrified. =X
I studied damn hard cause I really want to do well and I'm pretty sure I remembered everything. But somehow I feel tomorrow I'm going to forget everything again.
Omg... Wish me alot alot alot of good luck.
Despite knowing that I passed the rest of my modules and it was much better than I expected, I still do not feel confident at all. Please please please bless me alot and really hard tomorrow.
I just want to pass.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
10:40 PM
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Home AloneBeing at home is somehow very stressful for me. I can study no problem when I'm outside but somehow, when I'm at home, I just feel overwhelmingly sad.
It's annoying how I know I should get out of this funk and no one can help me cause I have to do it myself. But somehow I just cannot do it. Trying very hard to put everything out of my mind but everything is just running amok in my head.
I seriously wonder how much more of this I can take. I find myself talking to myself sometimes and wonder if I'm going crazy. It's so tiring to be fighting with yourself because you can never get away from yourself.
Am I even making sense?
I wish I can just snap out of it.
Doing everything, changing everything, just so I can feel better and not be so fucked up. Apparently it seems I now appear to be a more confident person and always cool, calm and collected. This just proves that either the people who said it don't know me well, or I'm just a damn good actress. Or perhaps the people who see me as who I truly am and what I am feeling are the people who know me the best.
Why is it that I cannot stop this sadness from coming? That I still actually care? Am I going about doing the wrong thing? Maybe instead of running away from this pain I should embrace it and then move on from it? But how can I afford to allow myself to breakdown once again? Somehow I feel that I never really broke down and cry. I know that I have not. All this time all I've been trying to do is pretend that everything was perfectly fine. I may not have succeeded always, but I have always been trying.
Or maybe I'm just pushing myself too hard and all I need is time. I don't know. Whatever it is, it sucks.
I feel like I'm taking the people around me for granted. Perhaps because I'm always so preoccupied with other things and only when I'm free or when I need something then I look for my friends. I wish there was some other way I could do this, to show them all how important they truly are to me, but I don't know how.
If not for my friends here for me, I will never have gotten through these months. Thus far, this is the darkest period of my life. Previously, I had Carmen by my side. This time round, she's still here.
I love you Carmen. You have officially became the most important person in my life. Thank for going through all these shit with me even though you had your own shit to go through.
Love Qiyuan for everything you did for me even though you didn't need to. Ironically, we only got much closer because of what Evelyn did to me. She was unhappy with me being close to you but ultimately, because of that, she was the one who pushed me to you.
If I were to do things all over again, I will still do them the same. I do not regret anything that I have done. The decisions I made may not have always been the right one and they may not have been the best decisions I made.
But they have shown me who my true friend are and taught me to grow up. My decisions have moulded me into who I am now. And I'm happy with myself.
I don't feel so emo anymore so I shall go study... YEA!!
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:27 PM
I'm Married!!23th of March 2010 at exactly 0200h, Nikki Koh and Carmen Woo were pronounced husband and wife. There are no promises or certificates as proof of marriage and divorce is unneccessary should we feel the need to split up. To a wonderful and fulfilling marriage as long as it lasts.
Sharing my joy with the world!! =D
Super crazy day today. Found out about my test on thursday and I was so hardworking I immediately went out to study with Lishi and Carmen. Didn't exactly go as planned cause I studied on the way there so by the time I got to Lishi's house I was not really in the mood to study. =X
Had Yong Tau Foo as breakfast with Lishi near her house. Quite yummy though the chilli is not spicy enough. =( Played Monopoly Deal with Lishi while Carmen surfed the net at Lishi's house. It's super fun!! Haha...
Carmen owes me $100. Haha... For winning the bet. But honestly? It's the satisfaction of knowing I'm right that matters. Haha! But Carmen is mine now!! So get jealous!! Hehe...
Had my lunch and Carmen's breakfast at some dimsum place near Aljunied MRT. Had the porriage, was pretty nice! After that I went to the library to study with Carmen, or rather I studied and she read magazines.
Finally I met up with Huiting and we went to the McDonald's at Aljunied to study somemore.
Reached home, talked to Carmen, set up a FB account for Carmen, got married to Carmen.
Check out my FB profile! We're so totally married! Haha...
I shall go sleep cause I'm all tired and stuff.
Loves!
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
3:39 AM
Monday, March 22, 2010
Second ChanceI have another shot at the paper. I'm terrified. I don't think I can do it.
I could study with no problem last time. What happened? I'm letting things affect me too much.
However much that I appear to be fine now, inside I'm still terrified. The simplest thing can make me breakdown. But now I can control it better. I can wait until I'm home before letting it go.
At home, I cannot stop crying. Just living my day through day by day stresses me out.
Okay, I just talked to Lishi and I'm going over to her house to study. Will having some company help? I hope so...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
10:10 AM
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Back To K9 KultureHaven't been back working for so long. Super missed working there. Taking such a long break then going back there made me feel so nostalgic. I guess it's a huge difference from when I left there an emotional wreck.
That time, I was too stressed out and emotional to work there. Too tired and overworked to work in such a stressful environment. Going back there today, I felt the concern of my colleagues and I was so touched.
Once again it was crazy working there. Suffering sore throat and aching feet. =( But it was super eventful. Haha... Raining like crazy at Turf City and all the rats came running out! =X The dogs actually caught 2 rats and killed them! Ah Dong stepped on one and killed it... The other one e threw barely alive into the bin.
GROSS!!
Dusty is awful cute! Apparently when Mandy found him she thought he was a German Shepard puppy. Haha... CookieCS' owner put him up for adoption while they went for a tour around the world cause they couldn't be bother to look after him. So mean! Thankfully YiHao adopted him. With his food agression problem I think it will ba hard for him to find a new owner.
Working there just made me miss Frostie more!! Haiz... Oh well... Haha... I hope to see him soon.
K9 holds way too much memories for me. I hope I can get over them soon.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
10:22 PM
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Sadness
Sometimes, I feel like I don't belong at home. I don't know. There's so much happening at home I really feel like I cannot cope with it. Going to Malaysia makes me feel so comfortable and relaxed. I wish things were better at home. Haiz...
Anyway my phone is damaged. Still in workable condition but feels like it's going to break apart anytime cause the hinge is super loose.
I feel emo again.
Everyday coming home makes me feel sad. I know this is not right but I feel exceptionally depressed at home. I feel most comfortable at home and I wish I could stay home all day. When I'm outside all I want is to come home and relax. But the moment I'm home I feel sad. Like I cannot face the world anymore.
Hmmm... On a side note, I think this time apart might be good for me. Learn to be independent instead of running away to you everytime I get upset.
Looking on the bright side?
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
11:20 PM
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Assumptions of MeProve me wrong darling. Let me know that I am truly as beneath your notice as you want me to think I am, instead of searching for my blog and viewing it. =D
Like I said. I was making assumptions too. Stop having guilty-conscience.
This is super funny. In a morbid way. =X
I just don't get how we could go from being great friends to this. I have never ignored you the way you claimed I did. People with eyes who were with me saw how I said 'Hi!' and looked like an idiot cause you pretended that you didn't see me standing right next to you.
I tire of this nonsense anyway. You people have successfully extended my last semester in school and made it hell. Haven't you have had enough fun yet? Every fucking thing you do hurts me like crazy. I'm not afraid to admit it. Both of you have hurt me like crazy. Because I truly thought you were my friend. I just didn't think friends treated each other like that.
I want a chance to sit down and find out what went wrong. I want to clear the air. But then, I know, to you both, it will be my fault no matter what. You will not be open to seeing the entire picture. Why? Because you are too freaking stuck-in-the-mud with your thinking.
I wish I could simply ignore you the way you did with me and erase you completely from my life. But I am much too much of an idiot to do so. Like Chloe said, this is something I have to walk out of myself.
I can't believe that I actually have to go for counselling because of this stupid matter. I seriously want to snap out of it. I can't believe how much you are affecting me. Until now I cannot believe that I have been fucked up by you. I cannot believe that I am still hurting from everything. I thought I was fine. I thought I was okay already. I guess I convinced myself that the front I was putting up was true.
But my wounds are still as fresh as ever.
Can I just forget this entire year and redo it all over again?
But you know? Even if this year was done all over again, things will still end up the same. It was a matter of sooner or later.
Just tell me one thing, why is he so important to you that my closeness to him have to affect you so much? Aren't you already attached???
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
3:17 AM
Nikki and Nunchaku/NunchucksThe 3N. Haha... Was randomly talking with Carmen about how I'm gonna take up MMA with Qiyuan and then I was like telling her how he gave me a boxing glove keychain after asking me to choose between the glove and Nunchucks.
I asked her to imagine me learning Nunchucks.
We simultaneously had the same freaking image in our heads.
Me swinging the Nunchucks around and knocking myself out.-.-"Haha... I'm wayyy too bimbo for Nunchucks. MMA is okay la. Not that bad. Haha... There's less of a chance of klutzy me hurting myself. Haha... And and... They have pink gloves and fist wrap thingy for training! Haha...
Hmmm... Come to think about it, I could probably get Qiyuan to teach me Nunchucks and find a pair of pink Nunchucks just to be bimbo about them. Haha...
Everyone agrees that I became more bimbo after breaking up with Issac. Even more so after getting to know Qiyuan. I think it's Qiyuan's fault for over pampering me. =X Haha...
I think I'm going to sleep. For some reason, I'm exhausted. =X
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
1:09 AM
Thursday, March 04, 2010
What am I to do?My life is in a mess, and everyday that I spend with you convinces me even more that I'm simply a waste on the face on this earth. I'm screwing things up left and right. I can't seem to do the right thing. For once, I want to do what I want to do instead of the right thing to do. Because now I understand that no matter how much I try, I cannot make everyone happy.
I'm tired of trying to make you happy. I do not even know what have I done. The feeling is just getting stronger. Perhaps I should get away from you before it overcomes me. But without you my life is meaningless. I invested all my love in the both of you. In Frostie, it will never amount to anything because he loves you more than me. In you? My love for you is just as futile. There has been no beginning, and it will not have a future.
Why do I throw everything away just to be with you that one second more? Why do I risk everything for this love that I know will be my downfall? My foolishness has cost me so much. My pride, my love, my friends, my self. I am what you were. You know how painful it was, but yet this is what you let me suffer through. This was what I went through before and yet I knowingly step into this pitfall.
I am an Idiot.
If things go my way, you will never see or hear from me again. I have feelings too. Feelings that will get hurt. I'm tired of being around people who have no concern over how they treat me and how they affect my feelings. This is the last time I put myself down for anyone.
No person, no dog, is worth me degrading myself. This grovelling has gone on long enough. I don't need your help. My life is my own. If I die in the next moment, it will too be of my own choosing. Because I tire of this world that has no compassion. I tire of always putting others infront of me, of making others more important than myself. I cannot change the world, I am unable to change myself.
I am a slave to my love for you. Stupid as it is. Thus I will change what I can change. My life.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
1:51 AM
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
I'm ScrewedMy exams have been going so badly... I couldn't even find the mood to blog cause I was too distraught. First day of exam for SM I found out that I was screwed over again. This time for LERM. I couldn't focus at all that day. My mind just keep going through how screwed up everything was and I couldn't remember anything for my paper.
I felt like I was just going through the motions of my life. Chose to go once again to Malaysia, hiding away from everything yet again. Tried hard to study for LERM but I was just too distracted. Even though the morning of the paper I found out that the teacher decided to give me the full group marks instead of marking me down I still couldn't do the paper. I got the encouragement I needed but somehow I was too far gone to recollect myself. I'm sure I failed the paper. Because I couldn't remember anything. I could recognise the terms cause I know I studied them but I couldn't for the life of me remember how to explain them.
Thursday I have another paper. But I cannot focus still. The feeling of dread not only did not decrease but kept increasing. In order to function from day to day I kept the feelings locked away deep in my heart. Somehow it's like I haven't grieved yet so the hurt is still there. Keeping the feelings apart seem to make them worse. But how can I let myself break down again? I feel tired and weak. I don't want to be like that. I want to be normal and happy.
When did things snowball to this? Why didn't I realise this? I'm self destructing from inside out. Being okay don't mean I'm feeling okay. I want everything to be normal. But I don't know how.
Help me...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
6:27 PM
