Friday, June 30, 2006
Pride...wtf is it with u guys? last year we led the damn contigent rite? i tot u guys were lyk fighting for wad the hell la.. then is juz to lead a stupid contigent.. i dunno la.. but.. ahh sianz... not need to explain myself to anyone.. if u guys wanna think i dun give a fuck abt sj then fine lo.. k? cuz i am not going to give a fuck abt wad u think of me anymore..after these 2 yrs its getting irritating le kkz? i am tired of trying to explain myself to a bunch of deaf ppl.. fuck u all and go to hell.. damn it..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:02 PM
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Long Long Day......the days are getting longer and longer... but the weeks are going by faster and faster... its been 21 days.. 6 days.. 3 days.. hmmm.. i dunno la.. anyway.. today's amanda's bdae!! happy bdae girl!!! hehe.. hmmm... really tired today... got so much homework... i dun wanna go school le.. its only the third day only somemore lehz.. happy or glad... i dun see the point in doing a lot of things.. and i feel lyk ending it all.. i wish i could.. i am so afraid of myself.. i look at it... and i wonder how it feels... its terrible.. i dun wan to think this anymore... tired...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
10:31 AM
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Calm...finally.. after so long.. being in a crowd helps.. i guess.. at least when i am not left alone with my thoughts i wun be thinking so much.. and well.. feel much much much better now le.. hmmm.. juz wonder wads going to happen to me tonite.. and the weekend.. when no one is arounf to distract me.. erm.. haha.. i'll find a way.. hmmm... shall immerse myself in my school work.. once i am dead beat lyk yesterday i wun have the energy to think.. haha.. hmmm.. i'll find a way.. honestly.. a mind's yes a heart's no.. haha.. but the mind is a powerful thing.. even if the heart may be more powerful.. haha.. it doesnt matter.. its wad i choose that counts.. i guess.. rite? erm... haha.. i guess.. i dunnno... =p haha
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
11:12 AM
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Rationally... Emotionally...rationally i noe i should let u go.. but emotionally i cannot control myself.. its so difficult.. i dunno.. too much things runningt thru my head at a time.. had sexuality education... erm... was interesting? but nth i din noe already.. i dunno la.. why first day of sch muz tell us these things.. and i was thinking abt the last time when i was in this sch we were still together... pathetic... i am really pathetic.. u probably dun even care anymore.. i feel disgusted.. i mean evrything that i ever did.. this sucks.. the sex edu didnt help much.. all the disgusting stuff.. hmm.. if u are reading this.. if u get a gf muz tell me wor.. i mean.. its lyk i will get pissed lyk her or anyting.. but i juz wanna noe.. so.. at least i will be easier for me ba.. budden.. we dun even talk now le.. dun call me stupid kkz? cuz i noe i am.. and honestly.. if u fuck him tts ur prob kkz? i really dun give a damn wad u do with ur bf.. thsi is not the first time le.. dun start crying to me again professing how hurt u are.. becuz its so fake la.. u asked it from him one la.. wad the hell.. wad kind of guy will refuse when u throw urself at him.. u irk me.. so dun tell me the stuff i did with him was stupid becuz i wasnt as stupid as u.. i cant say that i regret do wad i did becuz i dun.. perhaps memories hurt.. but memories are all i have now..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:12 PM
Monday, June 26, 2006
Wad Am I Going To Do???this feels terrible.. its lyk its my fault.. becuz we were together and i brought u so much trouble.. and then.. i hurt her.. i dunno... i honestly dunno anything... dun feel lyk going school tml.. becuz that means i have to once again pretend everything's alrite.. in front of those ppl.. i dunno.. this feels awful.. but perhaps it is much better cuz at least they will distract me.. i dunno.. when i am alone at home i dun feel lyk going out.. but when i am out i dun feel lyk going home.. i feel lyk i hurt too many ppl.. and brought so much trouble.. i dunno how to face them anymore.. i really dunno wad to do.. i dun wan wad i did to break up our frenship.. but i dunno how to patch things up.. i dun wan ppl to help me.. becuz it seems i only cuz them more troubles worrying for me.. i dunno.. suddenly it seems that everything that i ever did was wrong.. maybe u were rite all along and that i am always doing the wrong thing but i juz refuse to admit my mistake.. and i juz insist that i am rite.. i really dun wan wad i did to break up my frenship with u both.. please.. i am at a lost of wad to do.. i really regret it.. i dunno wad i can do to salvage it.. so sorry...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
8:26 AM
Sorryok.. so now u noe abt it.. i dunno wad to do now honestly.. i am so pathetic.. u noe y? becuz at least she's ok with it.. at least she was able to let go.. i cant let go even noe.. even when i noe that u were not that good.. even though i noe that if u can do that to her u can very well do it to me also.. but dumb pathetic me juz had to believe that perhaps becuz u can let her and your one year relationship go for me u let anyhting go for me also.. i dunno wad i wan anymore.. its pathetic.. becuz until now i still lyk u.. and dumb stupid me is even hoping that one day we can still be together.. i wish i could let u go.. becuz it was wrong from the beginning.. becuz of u i lost 2 of my best frens.. and now i have also lost u.. i dunno anything anymore.. this kind of life sucks.. i wish that i had been more firm on 1st may and waited.. then i would not feel guilty... and i would still have my best frens.. but then i could have lost u.. i dunno.. theres so much wad ifs that could happen.. but things have already turned out this way.. theres no way to turn things back around.. accept the thigns as they are.. and take things step by step.. easy to say hard to do.. becuz until noe i am still thinking that if i still have u nect to me it all would be better...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
6:13 AM
Hell...i dunno wads wrong with me.. honestly.. this is hell.. i.. i really dunno.. it hurts lyk hell u noe.. its lyk everything's wrong.. why do u keep scolding me? i din do anything.. why izzit a person who noes me less than one month understand me better than u who brought me up for 16 years.. i wan so badly to cry.. its juz so painful.. i dunno if it is i cant or i dun wan to.. i feel terrible.. i udn wan to go sch tml.. to face everyone and pretend that i am alrite when i am not.. i dun wan to go on with this lie anymore.. dun ask me wads wrong with me.. cuz i dun noe wads wrong.. everything's wrong.. dun tell me i am being stupid becuz i noe i am but i cant help it.. dun tell me i should let go becuz i am trying so hard but its not working.. dun tell me that u understand becuz no one can ever understand.. dun tell me u love me becuz i dunno wads love and i dun wan lies anymore.. and lastly.. dun tell me this is part and parcel of life that everyone has to go thru a phrase of becuz it seems lyk i dun ever noe anyone that has a life lyk mine.. i feel so stressed.. relationships.. studies.. life.. its all so difficult to handle.. u say ur parents dun care abt.. u think i am ok with my parents.. we hardly ever talk civilly to each other.. its always only a word or two.. otherwise it is shouting matches.. u have frens who care.. u got frens who understands.. i have frens who care.. but even though they do try to understand they nv will.. i feel so helpless.. u say u try to pull me out of this dark hole.. but so did he.. and juz when i was almost out of it he let me go.. do u noe how much it hurts to once have but lost.. to have given so much to receive so much only to lose it all.. i should have been more selfish shouldnt i.. maybe i should.. i dunno.. it feels terrible.. so terrible.. i juz dunno wad to do.. i wanna end it all.. there are so many ways to do it.. but which one am i going to choose? i dunno...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
4:30 AM
Better Or Worsehmmm... this is truly weird.. haha.. i dunno wad am i feeling now.. seems lyk all my feelings come from a long way off.. i may be happy one moment and then upset the next.. and i keep flaring up at ppl.. theres juz this huge empty feelign in me.. is this wad falling out of love feels lyk.. to love so deeply and hurt so deeply.. i once tot i was in love.. but this feeling is more intense than wadever other relationship i had.. i really really dun wanna lose him.. but at the same time i juz wan him to be happy.. i dunno wad am i doing anymore.. you ppl tell me i am very weird.. very different.. am i? i dunno.. nth is rite anymore.. this is wrong.. so wrong.. i shouldnt be lyk tt.. wad happened to the old me that to pick things up and let go as easily.. how come this time i juz dun wanna let go? maybe time will wash my memories away from me.. wad i once tot was love this relationship proved otherwise..
Falling in love with the Right Person at the Right Time is the Greatest Happiness.
Falling in love with the Right Person at the Wrong Time is the Greatest Regret.
You are the Right Person i Fell In Love with at the Wrong Time.
Love deeply and passionately.
You might get hurt.
But it's the only way to live life completely.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
3:18 AM
Saturday, June 24, 2006
There's A Pointi will pull thru this.. becuz i realise someone do care afterall.. becuz i realise that someone is juz as upset that i am not happy.. but i am so sorry.. i really dun feel lyk going into any kind of relationship le.. i dun have the strength.. love gave me courage and strength.. and thats the thing.. i dun love u that way.. i am so sorry.. u deserve someone better.. not someone who have done foolish things lyk me..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
9:23 AM
What's The Pointits always my fault ya? my fault that i loved him.. its my fault i cared abt jing ying and tried to help her.. my damn fault that i joined sj and brought myself so much heartache. my fucking fault that cared for my mum rite? when u ppl not happy u vent ur anger on me its my fault that i made u pissed.. when u piss me off and i vent my anger on u its my fault cuz u r inncoent and i am unreasonable.. its my fault that i always lykt he wrong and i always do stupid stuff with them rite? its my fault that i when out with him even though i knew i may hurt her thru it. its my fault that i have so much troubles in sj becuz i wanted to intefere with stuff btw u guys. i begged adri to tell me wad happened btw the tic and the oic.. i purposely tried to hurt all my frens.. ok? its all my fault.. and it is still my fault becuz i dun have to courage to face up to everything.. and i still
forget it.. wads the point? honestly.. wads the point? i dun see the point in anything.. fuck it all u crazy ppl.. i dun care anymore.. i really wun care.. oh god i wun care.. u noe wad? this is too much.. u dun scold ppl lyk that.. u scolded me the whole day.. to me.. wadeva.. i have to pretend everythign's fine and dandy when all i wan to do is sit down and cry.. but i cant.. becuiz no one realy understands.. i am the crazy one here.. crazy enough to actualyl think that u care.. crazy enough to bother so much.. becuz god there is no point.. u slap me.. fine.. and u .. u took my heart and brought it high.. and then u let it fall from the top.. wadeva.. fuck it ppl.. u dun giev a damn abt how i feel to u all u are the most impt.. why should i suffer to feed ur ego? why should i do anythign for anyone beside myself? trust me.. ppl.. no more k/ who cares abt ur damned feelings if u dun care abt mine.. i dun even wan to bother anymore.. and i dun need help ok? honestly.. so juz shut up and get lost all of u.. i dun need frens who hurt me k?juz honestly fuck it.. fuck off.. fucked up bastards.. who gives a damn abt hw? who gives a fucking damn abt anythign.. maybe u wun see me tml le.. i really really dun wanna care anymore.. there is no one i can trust that wun hurt me.. so ya juz get lost.. theres nth left here anymore.. i dun have the guy love.. i dun have the family that i love.. i dun have anythign.. everythign i ever cared abt disappointed me one way or another.. so god damn it juz fuck it.. ok? i dun care.. i dun have anythign left.. a person who has nth left is a dangerous person.. becuz that person have nth to hold him back.. and he can juz do anythign.. becuz he dun care anymore.. adn i dun care.. i juz wanna get out.. out of this pathetic world.. a world that caused me so much pain.. physically mentally and emotionally.. juz get out of my world ppl.. get out.. or i will get out..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
7:57 AM
It's Over
soon after i posted that up u told me its over.. even though i wished u would give me an answer.. i dunno.. this izznt wad i wanted.. i dunno.. the day we sort of broke up.. i kinda knew its over.. that the moment i let u go it was over.. budden somehow i juz din wanna let go.. i guess i should be happy that u have given me an answer rite? yet the hurt of the realization that we r truly over is more overwhelming than the happiness.. this is so wrong.. its not rite.. i dunno.. wadeva.. once again.. i feel lyk crying.. yet once again.. the tears wun flow.. instead i feel strangely detached rom my feelings.. lyk they are someone else.. and i am looking at that person and pitying that person.. i feel so numb.. lyk everything's coming from far far off.. 226.. toa payoh.. buses.. everythign else contained my memories of u.. i'll stand up.. one day.. really i will.. i'll try my hardest.. i wun disappoint anyone u noe.. i'll really really try my hardest.. i juz dunno when will that be..
So HowEver hARd Need It be soMehow I Shall Surely let U go
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:04 AM
Friday, June 23, 2006
Aloneall of the sudden i realize that u have been ignoring me all day!!! i dunno if u still read my blog.. but dear.. i am going to let u go now.. really.. i dun wan to go on hurting lyk that.. i am already starting to regret a decision i made.. dun make this be another thing for me to regret k? i juz hope i can pull thru this weekend.. becuz i noe i can nv fully forget u.. but i really really wanna stop the hurt.. i am so so sorry..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
1:10 PM
3 Guys 1 Galfor the record, 2 guys said they lyk me.. so y not u? huh? y? tell me y? huh? u think u very cool dun wan tell me how u really feel rite? huh? u think u very cool by telling me cannot say that u dun lyk me izzit? huh? u think u very cool by saying that not saying that u dun lyk me but dun wan patch with me izzit? sorry? sorry not enough.. tell me y? tell me y u dun wan say u dun lyk me but dun wan patch with me? huh?
ok ok.. i am going crazy here.. juz nth to do so start crapping again la.. haha..budden honestly la.. why u dun wan juz give me an answer? hmmm? otherwise i might have to resort to killing poor roses by plucking out their petals saying u love me u love me not u noe.. okok.. this is crap.. hmmm.. lyk wad i siad i meant wad i told u.. i cant wait til i get to see u again no matter how stupid it is wor.. haha.. oh well.. me is juz simply out of my mind thats all crap crap crap.. lalala.. boo boo boo.. twinkle twinkle little star.. how i wonder wad u are doing now.. okok.. it does not rhyme.. i am juz damn frigging bored and ot of my mind missing u.. this is not working in curing my boredom.. i am outta here..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:28 PM
POPwell... yesterday was my POP... so now i am not i sj le!! haha.. cannot say i really happy la.. cuz well.. feel lyk something's missing from my life now.. budden cannot say not happy oso.. its not lyk my not continuing in sj is a sad thing la.. cuz well.. it did cuz me a load of heartache la.. haha.. hmm.. when i got the letter of discharge i was a bit shock la.. lyk.. oh this is finally here.. me not in sj le!!!! haha.. budden it was also relief ba.. cuz.. haha.. discharge means i dun have to worry abt my decisions.. so yupyup.. good and bad thing together.. these 4 years have been great.. and i think we have all been really happy together.. whether kana pumped by ahroy.. or crawling thru the mud together.. when we were cursing the officers in the toilets and bunks when changing.. and even when we were at our last during the POP.. the very last fall in we did together and ahroy broke down.. all memories i will hold close to my heart.. becuz sj gave me a lot even though it took away alot.. but wad i got weighed more than wad i lost.. without sj i wouldnt have gotten to noe u amazing ppl.. yupyup.. and i oso wouldnt have gotten to noe the guy whom i love so much now.. if not for sj and its combine camps.. haha.. and ms adri included.. yesterda marked the end of one of the most impt thing in my life.. juz as another impt thing to me ended on the 7th of june.. maybe its thru.. that 06/06/06 is a really unlucky day.. haha.. juz that in my case it was slightly lag 24h.. haha.. cuz well.. the seed of the end was planted in 06/06/06.. it juz continued to 07/06/06 when it ended.. i was wrong.. i am so sorry.. i mean to hurt u with wad i said yesterday.. but dear do i miss u so much.. u made me happiest when i was with u.. and now that u are gone.. i feel lost.. if not for my dear frens.. alvin told me to not say i am happy when i am not.. not smile when i feel lyk crying.. not to say i am fine when i am not.. and nv to say i feel good when i dun.. but if i dun do that.. wouldnt everyone be as upset as me.. it was terrible to go thru those days where i could see u.. think of the things that we have done.. even though wad we did was wrong.. to miss u so terribly and wish i was back in ur arms.. but had to pretend that i didnt noe u.. had to see other gals fall in love with u.. flirt with u.. and pretend i dun care.. that it din hurt.. and yet no one can understand how i feel.. becuz no one noes.. i didnt mean to hurt u with my words last nite.. but i really really hope that we could be back together again.. meant wad i said to u.. but i juz din mean to hurt u.. if u dun wan to get back with me juz tell me that u dun lyk me.. and so i can let u go slowly.. dun tell me that u cannot say that u dun lyk me.. yet leave me hanging here.. pls dun be so cruel.. becuz i still miss u and i am still hurting.. becuz i let u go when i told u everything.. becuz i tot i could let u go.. i juz din realise that it would be so difficult..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:04 AM
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Perhaps.. Maybe.. What If...i think too much.. keep hoping for the impossible.. i keep thinking of the things that might have happened if i din do things this way.. haiz.. budden u gave me hope.. and i dun wanna relinquish this hope.. becuz i wanna go on loving u.. and i wish i could be back in ur arms.. no matter how impossible that sounds.. in my dreams.. u will always be there.. holding me.. haiz.. wadeva.. i wanna give up.. budden i cant bear to let go.. ahhhhhhhhhhh.. this sucks man.. its driving me crazy!!! haha.. budden without sj.. hehe.. now eaier to cope le.. luv luv luv my dear darling jess.. always here for me!! thanks for the chocolates kkz? its great!!! haha.. and thanks so much for that pig! haha..
date today is 20 06 2006.. special number.. 20062006.. hehe
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
11:42 AM
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Woah....okok.. i din realise ppl still read my blog kkz? i tot no one will read le since it was basically left untouched for a few month previously.. so tot i can crap all i wan abt ppl here and wun get shoot abt it cuz i am not lyk trying to deframe anyone by telling everyone how bad anyone is la.. and abt that jing ying thing rite.. erm.. well.. i tot she said her sis din care at all abt her... will beat her up and stuff.. so why is her sis standing up for her this time? and to her bf arh.. hehe.. i dun even think i was around when u were lo.. so of cuz u din notice me.. actually.. haha.. i din noe that u were there too.. i only noe that her bf was going la.. other than that i guess i got nth to say le ba.. she herself noe how she treated me lo.. and then.. well.. i din treat her badly lo.. at least i never hurt her lyk she did me.. budden maybe she din realise it.. wadeva.. its over anyway.. lyk long long over.. so who cares.. i juz got dumped.. or did i dump him.. er.. not sure too.. budden now i am more impt than some ppl since cuz she ignored my previous attempts to talk and thus i shall not waste more time on her and will spend my time piting myself as tt will be more meaningful.. perhaps there are too much i dun wanna let go ba.. haha.. wad am i holding on to? holding on the the hope that we may still be together.. cuz.. he nv did tell me that he dun lyk me.. and i cant get him to say that he dun lyk me to me so i can let go.. me unlike some ppl care more for my bf than juz giving my body to him.. yup yup.. this is a damn pissed off entry by me to some ppl.. becuz i am already not happy and u let me read wad u wrote at the wrong time.. so yup yup.. fuck u bastards..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:31 PM
I Am Singlehmm.. today was mildly interesting.. well.. i kinda sms-ed him.. and he say he dun lyk her.. and she dun lyk him too.. well.. i wouldnt noe would i.. budden i'll take ur word for it.. at least the part where u dun lyk her.. and.. went to watch The Omen.. wasnt very nice la.. the show was not scary lyk scary.. scary lyk there always something popping out kind of scary.. ya.. well.. watched it with wen jie.. recently i keep going to watch movie.. watched.. X-Men III Garfield The Omen R.V. hmmm.. in a span of abt 4 or 5 days.. so currently i am broke la.. an dowe wen jie lots of money.. cuz all these shows watch with him de.. cept for Garfield.. which i watched with gerald.. yupyup.. thats all lo.. ppl keep thinking that me and wen jie together.. damn funny.. haha.. oh well.. cannot blame them.. cuz they keep seeing us together.. budden we not together la.. i dun lyk wen jie that way.. i got someone else in my heart le... and that someone cannot be forgotten so quickly de.. so... yupyup.. me and wen jie not together.. help me spread the msg k? hehe.. since u guys lyk to spread rumors so much.. help me for a change ba... hehe... life is not that great.. but not bad le.. oh well.. haha.. life goes on whether u wan it or not.. and thank thank thank alvin sha for showing me that whether he realised it or not.. ur msg came at juz the rite time.. u very zun.. hehe.. so accurate u lyk read my mind.. life's great with my frens.. yet not perfect as u are not in it.. but if u hadnt left i would nv have found them.. well.. a selfish part of me says i would gladly forgo them for u.. budden i dun really wan that to happen.. all these great ppl made my life great.. but that doesnt mean i still dun miss u.. they helped me get on with life i and love them too.. =)
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:10 PM
iT's cOmPlIcAtEdits doesnt help that u tell me that u love me and wan me to forget abt him.. how long do we noe each other.. lets see.. exactly 15 days.. even b4 i noe u i have been with him.. and long b4 i was with him i already lyk him.. its impossible to ask me to forget him so quickly.. u were very nice to me.. u treated me very well.. but i dun lyk u.. and there is nth i can do abt it.. woe to the fact that we did not meet earlier.. perhaps i would be with u.. perhaps we'd be happy.. budden since things are lyk tt.. pls dun tell me i am a fool to not forget him.. i will let go.. one day.. juz not now.. not now.. pls dun wait for me.. i dun deserve u.. becuz i cannot give u entirely wad u can give me.. becuz somehow me and him.. i hold too dearly.. i may nv be able to forget him fully.. so pls really.. dun do this to urself.. to me.. any gal is lucky to have u as her bf... i am juz not that fortunate...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:50 AM
Monday, June 19, 2006
New Blogskinhehe.. rather lyk my new blogskin.. reflects my feelings rather well eh.. hehe.. tml going to hand in my appraisals.. hmmm.. anyway.. yesterday i found out somethings abt some ppl.. abt pei qi.. abt shearn chong.. abt angline.. abt cassandra.. everything was very shocking.. and i found a new best fren... i think so ba.. dunno if got to the best stage.. perhaps good fren ba.. i guess if u were to ask me to give advice to ppl i will tell u to not let the one u love go.. and fight to keep him by ur side.. becuz if u were to let him go for one of ur frens or wadeva.. if he does not choose her but chooses someone else u will regret how come u did not try to keep him next to u.. perhaps he would love u then.. and the both of u would be together.. however.. as words go.. easier said than done.. wadeva happens whether the one i love love me or not i will not fight to keep him next to me.. cuz i rather him be happy.. budden i will regret regret regret that i let him go.. but no matter how many chances u give me.. how many times i get to do it over and over again.. i will still choose this path.. not lyk i am trying to be very magnanimous or anything.. budden i believe that his happiness will ultimatly lead to mine.. so it doesnt matter how difficlt this road i choose is.. how much i yearn to give up and be really really selfish.. i wun do it.. haha.. this is wad st john taught me.. perseverance.. haha.. and determination.. the mind is a great thing.. i believe therefore i can.. hehe.. so ya.. all of u trust me kkz? becuz i can it.. i believe i can..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
7:32 AM
Picking Up Piecesi really hope we can patch u noe.. budden i noe everything is all on my side.. i dun think u wan ba.. haha.. and now that u have got her.. i dunno if u lyk her or not la.. budden it seems to me tt she really lyks u.. i realised that in camp already.. maybe i should start being more truthful to myself.. once again i'll tell u that u should make the choice that would make u happy.. cuz i made my choice already.. that is ur happiness.. so pls dun disappoint me k? it doesnt matter who u choose between the 3 of us la.. cuz i believe one way or another the 3 of us love u in each our way.. u really dun have to worry abt me.. haha.. all of u.. thanks for ur support through this difficult time.. a time when i was really mentally exhuasted u gave me the strenght to carry on.. to wen jie for being there for me regardless of everything.. and then to gerald who was willing to go out with me juz to accompany me cuz i din wanna be alone.. to faifai for his invaluable advice and for opening my eyes up to the truth.. but i am sorry to say that i have still disappointed u guys cuz i still cant let go.. but i really will.. i will really try.. besides these relationship probs.. there is sj.. haha.. i really am at my wits end for this.. becuz it seems nothing i do can change anything.. becuz none is willing to admit they have a prob.. they juz keep saying that there is nth wrong.. i dunno wad to do.. budden i muz still thank jianwen for a day's advice and giving me a lot more hope on wad to do for my corp.. even though it did not work out.. at least i can tell them i tried.. i dun have the courage lyk gerald to stand by my corp til the day it falls.. if that day ever come.. cuz i dun think i can take that.. to all my sj frens i will nv forget u guys.. no matter wad.. from day 1 in sj it has been the 15 of us.. now when it ends there is still 15.. i am proub to be part of this 15.. even though not all of us are going to carry on our journey physically in sj.. i believe that no matter wad 15 will still be there in each other's heart.. haha.. oh no.. me getting sentimental le.. and i haven apologised to yu yan.. haha.. i promised i will so i will do it.. wheeeeeeeeeee...... life's great when u are in control of ur emotions.. hehe
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:25 AM
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Breakdowni dunno how long can i keep up this facade.. i feel lyk breaking down.. lyk i am running away.. but everything seems to be wrong.. everythign i have depended on seems to have hurt me.. now everythign is wrong.. i have no where to turn to.. and i dun even dare to seek help anymore.. i dun dare to let them let me fall.. i dunno wad to do.. i have no where to turn to.. its lyk everythign's against me.. i wanna give up.. but there is still so much i cannot let go.. its lyk i am drowning.. i dunno wad to do.. i need help.. but i am scared to accept help.. i dunno wad to do.. i feel so lost.. hwo could u do this to me.. treat her well.. ok? i dunno when will i let u go but i will.. i am so tired... theres nth to hold me back.. is there.. if only i can let everythign go i will.. i try my hardest.. i really will.. this world has hurt me too much.. i need time out.. i wan time out.. or i will really breakdown...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
4:12 AM
y are u doing this to me... i dun understand... after all that i gave u.. all that we went thru i cant believe u are doing this to me..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
3:29 AM
I Miss You
i really dunno if i did the rite thing.. i miss u so much.. i keep thinking abt u and i cant get u out of my head.. i see u talking to them so happily and i feel so bad.. so jealous.. cuz i cant talk to u.. becuz i am still holding on and i dun wanna let go.. but all i am left is memories.. and i really dun wanna let go.. do u noe tt? i wish we could be back together again.. but it seems impossible.. i am so tired.. and my POP is coming up.. i dunno how to face them.. izzint there a way i can escape from all these?
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:29 AM
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Terriblei juz quarreled with yu yan.. i noe i was downrite rude la.. budden she really juz caught me at the wrong time.. i muz apologise i and i will.. i am really sorry i talk to u tt way.. budden u guys didnt treat me really nice too.. u noe u shouldnt have scolded me.. when u lyk me have nth else to lose cuz u lost everythign already u wun have qualms abt defending urself and fucking everyone else who try to be funny with u.. especially when u guys were the ones who pissed me off in the first place and it was taking everything i had to be civil to u... and then u come and crap with me.. i really juz lost it.. i feel lyk i am losing myself already.. its lyk being in the ocean and the currents dragging ye underwater.. no matter how i struggle to get to the surface i cannot fight against this strong force that is killing me.. and.. its lyk god dun even let me die.. its lyk he has disappeared and my prayers are left unanswered.. alone here i'll do anythign to get out of this thing thats killing me.. i am losing my mind..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
1:13 PM
Friday, June 16, 2006
Back From Campit was terrible! lack of sleep not withstanding.. i had to face u.. talk to u.. look at u.. and pretend i dun noe u.. but there are so much memories.. everything u say makes me rmb wad u said to me and wad i said to u.. i feel lyk i am so lost.. i tot i could do it.. to still be frens with u lyk i did with the others.. but i realised that with u i cant.. becuz there are too much i am not willing to let go lyk last time.. too much memories i dun wan to forget becuz i hold them too dear.. i din expect this to happen.. i tot i could do it but i am not strong enough.. i think i am so stupid.. for doing so many things wrong.. or maybe i should have been more stupid and not even talk to her at all.. or perhaps even be more selfish and not tell u wad i noe.. how i wish i could say that if time were to do that i would do it more selfishly.. but then if time were to turn back a hundred time i will still do it this way.. i should say i have got no regrets.. but i really really miss u.. all i wan is for u to be happy... i dun wanna lie to u.. pls dun say i am dumb anymore.. but i am really so tired.. she is my fren and i dun wan to do her wrong.. i need ur assurance.. i feel so much lyk crying after all this disappointment.. from sj from u from camp.. but i cannot cry.. sometime the tears will flow.. but i feel nth for the tears.. these tears dun carry any feelings and do not wash away my pain.. these tears flow out of my inablity to do anything else.. i wish i could really really cry and let everything go.. but perhaps a part of me dun wanna let go.. the feeling of wanting to cry but being unable to.. feels lyk u wanna sneeze but cant.. only a thousand times worse.. but also becuz no one noes i have no one to turn to.. the teasing dun help.. i no longer noe how to react to them.. i only noe i love u.. when u make ur decision tell me.. cuz i need u to tell me u dun love me anymore.. i need to noe i did not tell u juz to lose u and let u go for nth... it doesnt matter wad happened as long as u are happy.. i'll find a way to let u go.. but i need u to tell me u dun like me anymore.. til then i will still be here waiting..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
4:30 AM
Friday, June 09, 2006
Breakdown2 major things that happened together within a week brought me down.. my sj life was breached on u.. when u lied to me.. my sj life crashed.. u were the support of my life..my entire life.. when u left me.. my life crashed.. now i have really nothing to live on for already.. i lost everything.. juz a simple sentence from both of u caused me to lose everything.. i no longer feel lyk curling up to cry.. i juz wanna die.. i cant believe i got to u face u both til the 19th when i pass out.. i dunno how long i can hold on.. i dun wanna go for camp already.. i dunno am i able to keep that hold on myself.. i hope i can hold on for long enough.. otherwise i'll juz die.. this is too much.. i thank wen jie for everything that he has done so far.. listening to the song Liu Yue De Yu.. crudely translated June's Rain.. it is june now.. it is raining out there.. my feelings are reflected in the song.. do u noe how i feel.. i juz hope u understand..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
8:44 AM
Happinesshmmm... only 1 month 7 days.. around the same time we got together.. erm... i dunno wad to say juz hope that u r hapy and dun regret ur decision k? love ya 4eva..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
7:16 AM
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Disillusionized..hmmm.. i really din wanna talk to u last nite.. i really din.. the biting comments i made? well.. i am sry.. but i could have said worse things.. i dun wanna see u later.. i really dun.. god i dunno wad to do.. why do u wan to make me go for this stupid badge? i am so tired.. haiz.. why r u nv there for me? do u noe how much i need u each time but hesistate to approach u? y izzit that he can noe so much abt me that u dun.. whenever wanna tell u sth i feel u distancing urself from me.. yet i can spend less than an hour with him and let him noe more abt me than u dd all these time.. need to reach hq at 4.. gtg le.. otherwise i'll be late.. i cant find my mp3 charger.. tired.. juz wanna breakdown and cry.. but i cant do that.. i hate ths loneliness and hurt that make me so weak and unable to do so much.. how much i hate you for causing me to be lyk this.. can anyone understand my pain and release me from it.. i need a Savior..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
6:09 AM
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Words Cannot Sayi have got so much to say.. but no words to express myself.. such immeasurable feelings coursing thru me.. encased in my own gloom that i cannot get out of.. i dun wan to be alone.. alone with this feeling i cannot get rid of.. i juz wanna slp and escape from the reality that hurts me so.. but b4 slp is the loneliness that grips me so.. making slp difficult to come by.. where are u when i need u...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:23 PM
Hmmm..haha.. actually.. me is rather tired.. haha.. hmm.. haha.. got to noe this guy benson.. haha.. he asked for my phone number before we went to pulau ubin.. hmm.. was on the same bus as him.. din notice him lehz.. apparantly his fren oso wanted my number.. we still talking lehz.. haha.. hmmm.. dunno la.. good or bad thing oso dunno.. i juz noe at that time i was damn paiseh only.. haha.. thinking that lucky william they all not there.. otherwise i dunno how to live le.. only shearn chong they ji xiao til lyk tt.. dunno wad else they would say.. hmmm... i still feel pretty bad.. perhaps it is better that i decided not to go for my POP.. haha.. lalala.. i think i am going crazy.. dunno how long i can keep up this happy facade.. hope long enough.. i juz wanna curl up and cry and cry.. hmm.. why hurt me a second time.. and make me hate u.. one of the ppl i trusted most.. i think it is so true.. you wun get hurt if u nv loved and wun be lied to if u nv trusted.. reality sucks.. i juz wanna go on dreaming.. but my dream has been shattered.. u are nv there when i needed u..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
9:52 AM
I Miss Youmissed my com so much lo.. hmm.. got so much to say.. but dunno where to start... so many things happened lehz.. wa.. and i now so disappointed in some ppl.. but some funny things happened too.. everyone in JNCO is saying that shearn chong lyk me.. even william jianwen and pia tat oso noe.. dunno where to hide my face le..
Inline Skatingsometimes i feel lyk i am lyk adri's puppet.. everything goes thru me to her.. issac they all ask for payment from her til they come and ask me.. royston ask why dun i juz tell them to get back to her and juz dun care abt it? as if i dun noe adri well enough..ya la.. refer them back to her she will do sth.. but not everything if they continue to press her.. i ask guan they all to pay me.. they came up with a tonne of excuses not to pay.. now i noe why le.. they got someone backing them ma.. they all only noe how to say that i always side with adri.. when adri not happy abt Nitec camp who was the one talking to her trying to convince her that it was crucial that she was supportive of us.. wad i have done wad do they noe.. all they noe to say is that i only noe how to side her and help her.. i dun expect them to say wa jie hui u so great help us.. but u dun have to say things behind my back.. all i am trying to do is let us be able to work with adri.. but without support from my nco my cmc and my cadets i cannot do anything alone.. since lishi they all got help le.. i am not going to care le.. darwin no longer contacts me abt payment le.. which means that u have done a good job liaising with him.. haha.. i wish u good luck in doing the same with adri after i leave sj
Signing Onhmmm.. we were supposed to say whether we wanted to sign on or not la.. then i think very long lehz.. finally i decided to sign on la.. but not even a week passed b4 i regreted my decision completely.. coming to that later.. anyway.. i was already seriosly doubting my decision after the interview le.. then i was thinking.. wad is so bad abt signing on? had st john not been one of the most important thing in my life? wouldnt i wan to watch and help chung cheng corp grow? the very next day i receive sms from issac abt the inline skating thing as stated above.. as part of chung cheng corp can i juz ignore the fact that we owe ppl payment and dun return? that we dun return our debts? the guys came up wiith so many excuses not to pay.. wan parent letter i give them i parent letter.. how many of u can get adri to churn out a parent letter in a day? give them letter le they say no principal signature dun pay.. i was so angry! budden then i realised y.. later i found out on saturday nite.. haha.. only 2 ppl in this world can let the guys do this.. only two ppl can tell lishi that it is ok that if the ppl dun wanna pay thats fine.. later that nite i called royston telling him my decision that i dun wanna sign on anymore.. acted lyk he din noe anything.. even tried to make me feel guilty for doubting him... i am so disappointed in him..
Roystonfrom the day i joined sj u were my mentor.. i grew from respecting u but disliking u.. to respecting u and lyking u.. later on i even trusted u.. on the day we took over.. u made me lose my respect for u.. and later on i truly hated u for hurting me lyk that.. but then u made me trust u again.. and lyk u again... never did i allow anyone to hurt me twice.. u have done it.. and twice u hurt me more deeply than anyone ever did.. this time i wun forgive u.. dun lie to me again.. cuz i wun trust u again.. truly disappointed in u.. u were the one who made me love sj.. and now u are also the one who made me hate it.. i once said that after JNCO this year i wun wear my uniform again.. u made me change my mind.. becuz u made me realise i loved chung cheng corp and i wanted to continue growing with it.. until u made me realise that everything i had been working for in this corp was a sham.. haha.. JNCO is the last thing i am doing for sj.. i cannot even face going for my POP.. so ya.. end of JNCO is the end of my sj life.. i dunno if i am looking forward to it or not even..
Jianwenthe day at pulau ubin.. thanks for all the advice that u gave me.. really thanks a lot.. budden.. haha.. too late le i guess.. u guys can still make things work becuz u are willing to compromise.. u urself said one person alone cannot do anything.. without support from my nco and cmc committee.. i cannot do anything.. the most crucial ppl that i need support from dun support me.. lyk u said i need like minded ppl to help me.. but in my corp i stand alone with my tic as they say.. thanks for ur advice.. and thank hwee chin for her advice.. but my spirit for sj is dead.. my flame is dead.. i cannot go on le.. i hope ur flame burn forevermore.. the both of u.. thanks a lot..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
7:33 AM
