Friday, January 16, 2009
Crying and Laughinghad another weird dream last nite.. a dream that i cannot rmb.. hmmm.... but i woke up feeling very upset and crying... but weirdly happy... y cant i have normal dreams anyway?
super sianned.. life is lyk super boring nowadays.. nth to do at all..
i wanna go buy and toa payoh to buy bags.. and i wanna get a new phone. i wanna find a job and i wanna go to sleep...
everyday all i think about is I, I and I. i spend so much time thinking of myself, wad i want and wad i feel. i haven given much tot about others and wad do they wan and feel. are u guilty of these? hmmm....
totally falling asleep le... oh well...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
4:23 PM
Sunday, January 11, 2009
All The What Ifs... ...haven been blogging for a long time cuz i'm lyk super bz... this is the first time since dunno how long that i get to spend the entire day at home. feels surreal.
had the weirdest dream the other nite.. i dreamt that i finally broke up with iz. and in order to take my mind off him, i did wad i used to do that made me such a bitch. i got tgt with another guy and ultimately hurt the 3 of us terribly. juz as i once did hurt someone so irreversibly.
I guess you are right. Perhaps I tend to do things to make guys misunderstand me. Not consciously, but maybe on a sub-conscious level I just need the assurance that I have at least one person to fall back on. Its a terrible thing I'm doing, and i know it. But sometimes I cant help but wonder... What if that time i really did break up with you and got together with someone else? Would things have changed? Would I be happier? And more importantly, would YOU be happier?
But I will never know the answers cuz the things are over and nothing can be changed. But sometimes as I lie alone in bed at night, I wonder if this was all my fault. I lament the loss of innocence that I could have in my relationships. I lament the loss of who we are and who we could have been in this relationship. I lament the loss of my childhood and innocence that was lost when i was forced to grow up and face the world.
I hate the person that I am. The calculating and shrewd person I was forced to become by circumstances. The insecurity that plagues me in whatever I do and wherever I go. The front that I use to hide behind so that I will appear strong and infallible. So that no one knows the person I truly am. Not you, and certainly not my friends even though I so badly want to take someone into my confidence.
People think that I am wild, street-smart, out-going, bold and daring. But no one knows the kind of person I really am behind all that. Nowadays, something is happening to me and I am terrified. There are blanks in my memory that I simply cant recall. My dreams are getting so vivid I'm starting to be unable to distingush them from real life. The stress I'm facing from the mistakes I made are slowly chipping me away. It is as if I am slipping away little by little even from myself no matter how hard I try to grasp onto who and what I am. It is like trying to hold on to water that is seeping away.
I am so so afraid that one day I will not know who I really am. That even the last vestige of me will slip away into nothingness and I will finally cease to exist.
I have made so many wrong decision in my life and I am truly sorry for every hurt that I have caused the people around me. Maybe this is karma and I am getting my retribution. But I cant help but wonder what if I did not do as I did then. Will I finally find happiness in what I want and the salvation I so seek in the process so I will not be what I am now? Or will I be lamenting then of the things I could have done with you and that I have given up for the vestige of happiness I thought I saw in someone else?
Yet there can be no end to all the What Ifs and What Will Happens. I just wish things were different but I will not change them for the world. For all I know, we have spent these 2 years quarrelling, but it may be these quarrels that held us together. Perhaps without these quarrels we would have been over a long time ago. I juz hope that I will get better soon. And that you will start being honest with me.
P.S. I love you forever and a day more.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
7:23 PM
