Monday, March 27, 2006
one would think i am used to this huh... all this time i only ever truely lyked 3 guys... all of which i let them go... i am not trying to be noble... if i really wanted to be with them i would carry on hanging on to them... but i juz thin that if they r happier that way then it would be better to let them go... not that i ever really truly got them anyway.. they ask me if i still lyked dennis... i dun see a point in answering them... would my answer in anyway change anything that has happened? i think not.. 3 more months till i pas out frm sj... i cant wait... the thing that has succeeded in runing my life... i really do not noe whose fault it is that i turned out this way... and now i noe i am too tired to care... wadeva hat has happened has happened... i cannot change anything... and i noe i cannot run away either... i lost too much and gain too little... i have nothing to lose now... cept for my life... i have ripped pieces of my heart out for ppl... and i have gotten either little or nothing back.. i have nothing else to give... to lose.. a rooten apple would always be a rotten apple... even if u cut out the rotten part the apple can nv be the whole fresh apple that it once was.. juz lyk a shattered piece of glass will nv be whole again...even if u glue it back together... the cracks are still there... similarly.. a chipped cup will always be chipped... even if u turn it around so u would see the chipped part... u are juz deluding urself... i turn my chipped cup around too often... now that every part if chipped and crack... i have no where to turn to already... i guess i juz have to cut my lips and let it bleed... hopefully... the bleeding will be able to bleed out the poison that is killing me... but then i may be cut so that i will bleed to death... may be that is not so bad afterall... wad i want at least is that it will make me cry... i juz want to cry... and let every tear that fall frm be be all the hurt that is in me... and when i cry till there is no more tears... then that would be the time that i have no more hurt... is there anyone out there who can understand me? who is abe to help me get out of this rut? if such a person exist... will i be able to trust him? someone once asked me how izzit that i trust my frens but i dun trust easily? i told her that i can trust a stranger with my life... but i will nv turst him with me... so far.. the only one who unerstood wad i meant was royston.. do anyone else understand wad did i mean? it was the best i could do to put it into words... but not many ppl had understood... does anyone actually truly understand me?
loving u was not wad i want... letting u go is wad i cant...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
1:41 PM
Thursday, March 23, 2006
so he really does lyk her... i was rite.... it was so obvious.. when he keep talking to her during comp training i should have known... i juz didnt wan to admit it... so many things i wouldnt admit to myself... but how could i... to realise that i lyk him after hurting him so much... yet still knowing that i lyked his fren... how could i admit after 2 years of lyk he fren that i was still able to unknowingly lyk him so much.. i feel lyk a bitch.. i had been waiting for this day for 2 years now... but y has it now come but yet i feel so bad... i would let him go if it meant that he was going to be happy... but why of all ppl her... he is juz going to get hurt again.. i dun wan to see him hurt.. but he doesnt even talk to me now.. its time to let him go... but i cant bear to.. i am so sorry.. so once again i am getting another guy that i lyk to go out with another gal.. guess it is juz as well... i really cannot get hurt again.. not by anyone... if anyone hurts me again.. i think i would lose my mind... i am so stressed out.. i had to be happy today the whole even though i am not.. y??? i so wan to cry... but i cant even cry out... y? if there is a god out there y is he not answering my prayers? y is he letting them all hurt me lyk tt... i cant even leave this ppl... i dun lyk the things they r doing... but i cant leave... y... if this is retrebution haven i had enough? where is jesus now when i need him??? i only see a set of footprints in the sand behind me.... and those r my own.. y have u abandoned me noe? juz when i need u most? all the stress... i juz wan to let it go... but i cannot open my hands... god.. y wun u help me... i juz wanna be able to have a good cry and let everything go... pls... after alll the fantasy is reality is terrible... but i really have no where to run to anymore... even the fantasy has traces of the terrible truth of reality... juz help me face it god... i wan to learn to face up to reality now... really? i cannot run away anymore... i am too tired,,, can anyone help me out of this rut? i wanted to run away... but noe there is nowhere to run to... 10 years worth of hurt is finally catching up... one after another... all those ppl... i am lyk living in a nightmare.. i wish i faced up to it earlier... then there wouldnt be 10 years of hurt there for me... when is this going to end? i am living a lie... i dun wan to go on anymore... pls...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:45 PM
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
i really need to learn to let go... i cannot go on lyk tt anymore.. i am stressing myself out.. i cant believe after a year i still cannot forget him... i realy feel lyk wanting to get back with him... but... i noe we will not last.. until i find out wad i want... there is this thing in me that i cannot remove... a a bag filled with stones that i cannot put down.. i dunno how to put it down.. it is such a chore to be happy all the time.. lyk everything is fine... when everything seems lyk it is not.. i feel so much lyk crying all the time.. but cannot cry out.. there is lyk a dam building up.. it feels lyk the strain is going to make it burst but it juz does not burst... the strain is wearing me out.. i wish i couldbe lyk lynn n juz sit down n cry.. crying is lyk so unattainable to me... i look at all the people around me and wish i could tell them wad am i writing here... but i dunno how to start.. and i am not sure they would understand.. the weight of the burden is dragging me down.. i sound so depressed.. ppl tell me that i should look at the brighter side of things.. nbut i am not sure that the brighter side of things actually exist.. i cannot seem to make myself believe that it actually exist.. i keep getting mood swings too.. it is taking more and more of an effort to keep my temper in check.. i dun understand wad is happening to me.. it juz seems lyk everything is going wrong.. it feels somehow lyk i dun really want to put the bag of stones down.. even though i really wan to as it is wearing me out... juz this once i would lyk to let everything go.. juz sit down and cry.. but it juz does not seem possible.. i am getting less and less tolerant of a lot of things... i am so tired i juz feel lyk i wan to juz give up and end it all... but i dun have to courage to do so... i am honestly worn out.. and i dun noe how to help myself... i once tot that time would wask everything away... including all the hurt that i am feeling... but that does not seem to be true.. instead.. the hurt seems to be growing even more.. i feel lyk i am in this deep deep hole... i juz dun wan to try to climb out anymore.. juz sit down there and rot... but i am afraid of the dark.. and i am afraid of all the things that i would miss if i died.. all the things i wan to do but have not gotten around to doing.. i cannot bear to let everything go.. but i wish i could... it seems easier lyk that...i dun have the courage to face life.. but i dun have the courage to die either.. i am juz stuck in between... hurting myself in the process.. and i think many ppl around me too.........
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:10 PM
