On a whim, I decided to visit your FB page today, I suddenly realised how much I used to love you. You were my best fren, I accepted you when others did not. I befriended you when others shied away, but in order to get closer to my frens, you sacrificed me. You bad-mouthed me to your frens whom YOU introduced to me in fear that they would prefer me over you. You bad-mouthed me to MY frens so that they will prefer YOU over ME. You made my life miserable. I could not forgive you for it. I hated you so much for ruining my life and I hated my frens who din trust me.

Unbeknown to me, I carried the hate for so many years within me.

I couldn't understand why you could do this to me. I loved you so much and cared for you so much. I couldn't always be there for you like you wanted me to, but I know I tried. I couldn't get over the way you treated me and I buried the hurt within me. All these time I distanced myself from you and the frens who treated me so contemptuously because of you. I know in the end they tried to make it up to me. But I told myself I din need frens who din trust me. Not even enough to to let me defend myself or explain myself or even let them know that wad you said were lies.

These I carried until now. You made me lose my faith in frens and I lost myself many many frenships that would have been lasting.

But today, I let go of everything. I forgive you for treating me like crap, for my frens who gave up on me, and even your sis and ex-bf who was ridiculous to flame me on this very blog. Because only now have I allowed myself to see that all those years ago, justice has actually been served and they have seen you for what you are. Everything ended years and years ago and its time for me to let go too.

You are not the first to have treated me like that. My stupidity lies in allowing people like you to hurt me time and again. But to me you hurt the most because you made me your stepping stone when I trusted and cared for you so much. I wasted so much time carrying these hate within me.

I know you are supposed to first forgive and then forget. Over these years I have forgotten.

But today...

I forgive.

I have forgiven...

Ok... Many things happened recently, but since i din blog for so long tts lyk an understatement. =x haha...

lets see, firstly, in june i went clubbing with sy, lays and eve. Was ok lo.. At Rebel and this 2 groups of malay guys fighting knocked onto us and things were abit chaotic. Sy's fren got real drunk and cute. Haha..

The rest was pretty boring la, nothing much happening. But on 11th September something pretty major happened. I dun know where else I can talk about how I feel so I guess an abandoned blog is a good place to start. Me and Issac got into an accident with a bus. Motorbike VS Bus. I think it is pretty obvious who came off worse.

Not many people know about this incident and I do not really intend to tell them. I guess I dun really know where to start from. I dun even remember much about it, and if I tell them that I was in an accident everyone wants to know what happened. I'm not seriously injured or anything like that. It's juz that every time I think back on the incident i feel very stressed. No matter how hard I try to remember what happened, it's like the more time pass the less I remember and the emptiness in my chest seem to grow bigger.

At first, I couldnt sleep at night. Every time I close my eyes I see the bus coming towards us or I can feel the pain when the nurse clean my wounds. Every night when I sleep I dream of the accident. Except that I dun remember anything when I wake up. Now, at least I dun dream of the accident anymore. I juz dream of scary dreams and wake up terrified. Haiz, hope everything will be over soon...

My wound looks scary tho. It looks gross and yucky. I peeked at the doctor's report and it says that the wound is infected. My heart almost dropped out. Once when they opened the wound it was like secreting black stuff out. I juz feel so helpless and confused. Maybe thats why doctors have horrible handwriting, so that patients cannot peek and freak themselves out.

The wound feels better now tho, tender but better. Hopefully tml when they change the dressing it will be much much better. Maybe it will all be healed. I hope. It's been so hard for me to write all these down. Altho I no longer feel like crying when I think of the accident, the empty feeling I get cant seem to go away. I dun think I can ever ride a bike again. Now, sitting in the front seat of a car makes me terrified. Every time another car cuts into out lane I'm terrified we will hit it. I brace myself for the impact each time that occurs and it's wearing me out to be so tensed all the time. At least if I seat in the back seat I can concentrate on other things.

I juz wish for everything to be over and everything to be back the same it was. Hopefully, there wun be any scaring.