Thursday, December 31, 2009
New Year's DayHmmm... Not to say that I dun wanna celebrate the New Year or wadeva, I dun think there's much to celebrate for. My life has turned topsy turvey but it hasn't changed that much in any sense.
New Year's Resolutions:
1. Stop being an IDIOT!!!
2. Try to get my money back?!?
3. Boost my own confidence.
4. Get Frostie.
5. Dun get hurt... AGAIN....
6. Attend all lessons.
7. Love myself more than anyone else.
8. Get a camera. Finally....
9. Change my phone.
10. Put my mask on.
I think its kinda difficult to do any of them. Hmmm... Actually some is impossible to do or to even has the vaguest possiblilty of coming true. But oh well... Since when do people complete all of their Resolutions anyway.
What am I gonna do tonite?!? Countdown or not? Or juz stay at home? Or stay in Malaysia? Spending too much time in Malaysia... =x Hmmm... I need to change my passport photo... =( The officers at customs keep laughing at me. So sad.
I miss my life.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
1:39 AM
Monday, December 28, 2009
Project S. L. Y.I think I had enough. I feel that I'm being played. If you wanna go out with other girls fine. If you wanna go fuck other girls, also fine. But I wish you will juz stop lying to me. Why ask me stay over if all you wanna do is stay away from me? Why tell me you love me when all you wanna to is get away from me? If you don't want me by your side you can juz tell me. If you don't love me you can juz say. You don't have to lie to me at all. If I'm your burden, I'll gladly get away from you. I am no one's burden but my own. I am not a burden. I juz stopped being someone's burden and I wun let myself be yours.
Setting myself up again and again to get hurt. Everytime I try to put a wall up around me you do everything that pulls it down. And then you hurt me. Why? Is this like a game to you? See how long Nikki can last? The Lets-Kill-Nikki game?
Everytime I look at you, I fall deeper in love with you. Everytime you hold me in your arms, my heart cracks abit more. Becuz I know you are not mine. You will never be mine. All these I don't mind.
I juz want you to stop lying to me.
Project Stop. Loving. You.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
3:28 AM
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Deep Shit.haiz... My bro spoilt my specs today cuz he accidently threw his bag on them. And I dun have the money to make new ones. =( Tried getting money from mummy but she dun wanna give, cuz she's mad that I did not go to uncle's house on Christmas.
I'm sorry mummy, I know they were celebrating your birthday that day. I juz tot that I will be going out. I carried that hope until the last moment and by then it was too late to go over. Looking back, I think I was foolish.
Have to find other ways to get the money lo. And I need new contact lens oso. This is my last pair already. Damn...
I shouldn't have done so much for you. I gave up everything for you and landed myself in such deep shit. Somemore you turned your back so quickly on me. Idiot!
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:52 PM
Saturday, December 26, 2009
ThanksThanks to FaiFai for nv failing to be there for me every single time.
Thanks to Shearn for always doing whats best for me all the time.
Thanks to Eve for being my listening ear no matter wad.
Thanks to the K9 staff for being so understanding about everything.
Especially thanks to Qiyuan for doing so much for me. For every single thing. For being with me when I'm sad, for holding me in case I fall, for never letting me go. For showing me once again who I really am and letting me have the chance to love you. For not regreting every single thing and letting me not regret anything. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I will. We are one and the same. That will never change.
And thanks Issac. For teaching me to grow up. For letting me know, I was right all these time. That I was stupid, foolish and naive and to never do so again.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
9:45 PM
Changes...After today, I think everything's different. I have truely gone to where I cannot return. Last night's and this afternoon's mistakes will be carved in my heart. This is wad i understand now.
Qiyuan, you were right. I've juz been too used to being dominated by Issac. I'm sorry Shearn, that your efforts have been for naught. I won't betray myself or my heart, but what you saw last night is who I am now. No more guilts Qiyuan. Now we are truly one and the same.
There is no more confusion as to what Nikki feels and have to do. I am no longer accountable to anyone but myself. Even to you baby, I love you, and you're right, this is an easier life to live. And I'm sorry, I really am loose Grace. My heart only belongs to you, but my body to myself and my satisfaction.
Life has never looked better than today.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
8:39 PM
Friday, December 25, 2009
Who I Am.Everytime you complain that I go out with guys. So I stopped going out with them. You said I always attract many guys. So I tried hard not to. I didn't know wad I did to attract the guys that you say. But I did wadeva I could to stop.
I made myself unappealing to other guys. I felt that I was unappealing. My confidence level was zero. I hated myself. Everyday I wondered what happened to me? Why am I like that now?
And now. I've found myself again. I still have it in me to attract the guys. I'm not as disgusting as I thought I was. As YOU wanted me to think I was. Look at the guys around me now. Not appreciating me was your loss. I had so many people after me but I chose you. I changed myself for you. Knowingly and unknowingly, I changed and I became different person. A lesser person.
I dimmed myself so I wouldn't outshine you. I made myself less shiny so you wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I made myself look bad so you could look good.
Now, view me in my glory. View me in my element. This was what you gave up. This was wad I gave up to be with you. I may have lost touch. But I have not lost it.
This is what I am. Without you, I'm still whole.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
10:36 PM
Christmas Past, Present, FutureAs Christmas draws to an end, so does my hopes for the future. Right now, I realised that I have never changed. I'm just the same as before. Always waiting, never getting. Juz hoping to get a morsel of care and concern. Itz not that other people don't care. I have wonderful frens. Frens who will do anything for me. But itz not the same.
Girl, grow up. This Christmas your spending it alone with Bumbum. Let it forever remind you of who you cannot be, what you cannot do. Otherwise, Christmas for the rest of your life will be juz like this.
Itz time to put on that mask again dear. And this Christmas will serve to remind you to never take it off again. Not for anyone. If you do, then on your head be it. If you think itz worth all the hurt to get when you shed your mask for anyone, think again.
I'm back. And better than before.
No one is worth me feeling like this. Now all I have to do is to remember this.
Last Christmas, I gave him my heart.
This Christmas, I gave you my heart.
Next Christmas, I'm keeping my heart.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
7:52 PM
Things I Could Do and Should DoGot invitations to so many places juz cuz I said I was lonely for christmas. But all I really wan is to spend it with you baby. Haiz. I miss you so much already. I really can't imagines how days will be like without you.
Omg!! I'm so NEEDY!!Gross! Snap out of it girl! No mood to blog already... Damn....
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
4:13 PM
Merry Christmas!Christmas juz paled in comparison to my amazing week. I had so much fun eating at roadside stores and going to Kota Tinggi and meeting Frosti and getting to know new people lyk Jason and Ivan and everyone else.
Broke so many records my life is in shatters.
I met a Siberian Husky puppy last week. On an impulse I named him Frosti. Now I've grown so attached to him like dunno wad like that. I keep thinking he's mine and like, I really wanna have him. But he's in malaysia then there's like nothing I can do to bring him over. Oh well. I'll juz add him to the list of things that I cannot have. That list is like super long. Haha.
Christmas Eve at K9 was HECTIC! It was CHAOTIC!! Haha. At one point of time, there was only 3 handlers and 1 caretaker to 102 dog... !!!! It was totally crazy. Khai was real cool though. He usually looks so forbidding but actually he's pretty cool. And v lame and funny. Haha. And he goes crazy with cologne!! Like he totally went overboard today and I was like 'Itz too strong!' Haha. He was so paiseh.. =x So mean of me.
Christmas Countdown I spent it with Qiyuan and Jason and their frens that I dunno how to spell the names or dun even know at all. Countdown at Zirca was like super funny. People got so high counting down that the totally miss the timing by like dunno wad like that. Haha. It was fun. But not very enjoyable. =x Things were weird. And I totally wore the wrong dress today. Oh well... We left early anyway.
Christmas today... Seems like I'm gonna be all alone for Christmas. Nothing much to say about it la. Maybe something will happen b4 midnight and I'll get my christmas wish. Maybe wishes do come true. If only...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:43 PM
Thursday, December 24, 2009
TurmoilI realise that usually when I'm very emotional I will keep blogging to keep my head straight. And I really am emotional now. I'm really confused as to what to do. I do not know if I've done right. I followed my heart and now I hope it will keep me from hurt.
Have to go to work. But I dun wanna work. I have no mood to work. I juz wanna have you by my side so I can keep smelling you. =x
I feels like in this week the dream has ended and things are as different as I thought they will be. Itz all so uncomfortable and weird. I wish you were here.
My feelings are driving me crazy pulling me here and there, left and right. I know I won't regret this. I hope you don't either.
Omgomgomg... God bless me ya? Give me the courage to hold on.
I remember the last time I kept blogging was also when I was single. And Faifai was telling me that he loves reading blogs that updates so often in a day. Oh well... I can't muster up long posts. Juz many short posts.
I can't wait to see Sherwin and get my pictures. SO exciting. I think he's a really good artist. Yea! And I wanna club again soon. It seems that everything looked better in dim lighting and getting high and drunk. Love the silly way you tried to carry me when we were drunk. Grace and Jason were laughing their asses off lo! Haha... Miss Jason. I never thought I will get drunk. Or even as high as that. I think the knock on my head helped in getting me like that. Oh well. We finished like half of the Chivas. It was fun. I'm glad I did it.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
7:33 AM
A Single ChristmasChristmas is here! My fave holiday of the year. =D
Thinking about my past Christmas and I feel free. No more concerns about like wadeva. I can finally spend a worry free Christmas and not care if I was spending too much.
But now my big problem.
NIKKI IS ALL ALONE FOR CHRISTMAS!!!
At least Nikki still dunno if she has anything on for Christmas. Maybe Nikki will spend her day at work. Maybe Nikki can finally have a perfect Christmas. Or Maybe Nikki will be all alone.
Maybe wishes do come true. Itz Christmas afterall. Maybe I'll get to eat Turkey. Never had one before. Haha...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
6:47 AM
A New BeginningThanks dear, for everything. For helping me get over him and encouraging me to eat when i couldnt. Thanks for holding my hand in case I fall and holding my hair when I vomited. Thanks for saying the right things at the right time and helping me through the week.
If it wasnt for you I dunno wad would have happened this week. If you hadnt make me eat I think I would have juz starved myself. Thanks for making the effort to choose the food that I like and for cooking for me juz so I will eat more. To be very honest I still can't eat now actually. I still have no appeitite for anything. I would have gladly gone a day without food. But I force myself to eat for you.
Itz cuz of you that I do not have scars on my palm. The times when i clenched my fist without knowing when I'm stoning or sleeping, thanks for trying so hard to pry my fingers open. Thanks for putting your hand there so that I will dig my fingers into your palm instead of mine. I'm sorry that I've hurt you. But thank you for keeping me from hurt.
I do not know if I didn't have you by my side through this week how would i have gotten through. If I didn't have you supporting me how deep into depression I would have fallen. It took me only a week to stand up becuz of you. Without you, I would probably still be murking my way through the aftermath of the ruined relationship.
Thank you. I love you.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
1:51 AM
My Future.
Changed my blogskin and I'm LOVING it. =D
Life changed drastically over the past week. Things with Issac, itz over. And somehow, I think this is it. We started off wrong cuz I gave in too much. So much so that wad I did became unappreciated. Itz a long tedious story of our 3yrs together. I gave so much but got so little. When it ended, I felt lost. I centred my life around him and I lost my anchor. I pursued a course in business cuz of him, started working so hard for him, lost frens and family for him.
I won't make the same mistake again.
At least I hope I won't. My old skin juz expired and I had to change it. Seems like such a coincidence cuz I made my old skin juz for him. I stamped our love all over the skin and now that we broke up, it juz expired. Kind of like our love. I loved you baby. And you will always have a special place in my heart. But juz as your love for me that died, I think time will allow my love for you to fade.
So now I will start my life anew. Without you. Along the way, I will find someone. And this time. I dun wanna be the fool again.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
1:10 AM
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Love? Fuck It...People say love is supposed to be beautiful. Then wad the fuck happened to mine? I think... I shuld juz give up. I'm never gonna find mine.
Fool and fooled again.
I seriously dun think love of any kind can exist. If it does, then I'm the most loving person I know. Cuz I juz keep giving love and not getting any back.
Juz lies all around. Forever is never. Look around. Love is juz an excuse for people to get together and fulfil nature's course for them.
You think love exist in nature? No. Animals may mate for life, but when time comes for one to be hurt and die, wad does the other do? Leave and find another mate.
Wad makes humans more superior or intellectual than animals? Wad makes us think we are their betters? Wad makes us so different from them? We are still animals at heart. We are no more sophisticated than them. Its the Mountain Ant story.
Life Sucks... I should juz live with it...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
11:07 PM
