Tuesday, March 21, 2006
i really need to learn to let go... i cannot go on lyk tt anymore.. i am stressing myself out.. i cant believe after a year i still cannot forget him... i realy feel lyk wanting to get back with him... but... i noe we will not last.. until i find out wad i want... there is this thing in me that i cannot remove... a a bag filled with stones that i cannot put down.. i dunno how to put it down.. it is such a chore to be happy all the time.. lyk everything is fine... when everything seems lyk it is not.. i feel so much lyk crying all the time.. but cannot cry out.. there is lyk a dam building up.. it feels lyk the strain is going to make it burst but it juz does not burst... the strain is wearing me out.. i wish i couldbe lyk lynn n juz sit down n cry.. crying is lyk so unattainable to me... i look at all the people around me and wish i could tell them wad am i writing here... but i dunno how to start.. and i am not sure they would understand.. the weight of the burden is dragging me down.. i sound so depressed.. ppl tell me that i should look at the brighter side of things.. nbut i am not sure that the brighter side of things actually exist.. i cannot seem to make myself believe that it actually exist.. i keep getting mood swings too.. it is taking more and more of an effort to keep my temper in check.. i dun understand wad is happening to me.. it juz seems lyk everything is going wrong.. it feels somehow lyk i dun really want to put the bag of stones down.. even though i really wan to as it is wearing me out... juz this once i would lyk to let everything go.. juz sit down and cry.. but it juz does not seem possible.. i am getting less and less tolerant of a lot of things... i am so tired i juz feel lyk i wan to juz give up and end it all... but i dun have to courage to do so... i am honestly worn out.. and i dun noe how to help myself... i once tot that time would wask everything away... including all the hurt that i am feeling... but that does not seem to be true.. instead.. the hurt seems to be growing even more.. i feel lyk i am in this deep deep hole... i juz dun wan to try to climb out anymore.. juz sit down there and rot... but i am afraid of the dark.. and i am afraid of all the things that i would miss if i died.. all the things i wan to do but have not gotten around to doing.. i cannot bear to let everything go.. but i wish i could... it seems easier lyk that...i dun have the courage to face life.. but i dun have the courage to die either.. i am juz stuck in between... hurting myself in the process.. and i think many ppl around me too.........
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:10 PM
