Monday, March 27, 2006
one would think i am used to this huh... all this time i only ever truely lyked 3 guys... all of which i let them go... i am not trying to be noble... if i really wanted to be with them i would carry on hanging on to them... but i juz thin that if they r happier that way then it would be better to let them go... not that i ever really truly got them anyway.. they ask me if i still lyked dennis... i dun see a point in answering them... would my answer in anyway change anything that has happened? i think not.. 3 more months till i pas out frm sj... i cant wait... the thing that has succeeded in runing my life... i really do not noe whose fault it is that i turned out this way... and now i noe i am too tired to care... wadeva hat has happened has happened... i cannot change anything... and i noe i cannot run away either... i lost too much and gain too little... i have nothing to lose now... cept for my life... i have ripped pieces of my heart out for ppl... and i have gotten either little or nothing back.. i have nothing else to give... to lose.. a rooten apple would always be a rotten apple... even if u cut out the rotten part the apple can nv be the whole fresh apple that it once was.. juz lyk a shattered piece of glass will nv be whole again...even if u glue it back together... the cracks are still there... similarly.. a chipped cup will always be chipped... even if u turn it around so u would see the chipped part... u are juz deluding urself... i turn my chipped cup around too often... now that every part if chipped and crack... i have no where to turn to already... i guess i juz have to cut my lips and let it bleed... hopefully... the bleeding will be able to bleed out the poison that is killing me... but then i may be cut so that i will bleed to death... may be that is not so bad afterall... wad i want at least is that it will make me cry... i juz want to cry... and let every tear that fall frm be be all the hurt that is in me... and when i cry till there is no more tears... then that would be the time that i have no more hurt... is there anyone out there who can understand me? who is abe to help me get out of this rut? if such a person exist... will i be able to trust him? someone once asked me how izzit that i trust my frens but i dun trust easily? i told her that i can trust a stranger with my life... but i will nv turst him with me... so far.. the only one who unerstood wad i meant was royston.. do anyone else understand wad did i mean? it was the best i could do to put it into words... but not many ppl had understood... does anyone actually truly understand me?
loving u was not wad i want... letting u go is wad i cant...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
1:41 PM
