Thursday, March 23, 2006
so he really does lyk her... i was rite.... it was so obvious.. when he keep talking to her during comp training i should have known... i juz didnt wan to admit it... so many things i wouldnt admit to myself... but how could i... to realise that i lyk him after hurting him so much... yet still knowing that i lyked his fren... how could i admit after 2 years of lyk he fren that i was still able to unknowingly lyk him so much.. i feel lyk a bitch.. i had been waiting for this day for 2 years now... but y has it now come but yet i feel so bad... i would let him go if it meant that he was going to be happy... but why of all ppl her... he is juz going to get hurt again.. i dun wan to see him hurt.. but he doesnt even talk to me now.. its time to let him go... but i cant bear to.. i am so sorry.. so once again i am getting another guy that i lyk to go out with another gal.. guess it is juz as well... i really cannot get hurt again.. not by anyone... if anyone hurts me again.. i think i would lose my mind... i am so stressed out.. i had to be happy today the whole even though i am not.. y??? i so wan to cry... but i cant even cry out... y? if there is a god out there y is he not answering my prayers? y is he letting them all hurt me lyk tt... i cant even leave this ppl... i dun lyk the things they r doing... but i cant leave... y... if this is retrebution haven i had enough? where is jesus now when i need him??? i only see a set of footprints in the sand behind me.... and those r my own.. y have u abandoned me noe? juz when i need u most? all the stress... i juz wan to let it go... but i cannot open my hands... god.. y wun u help me... i juz wanna be able to have a good cry and let everything go... pls... after alll the fantasy is reality is terrible... but i really have no where to run to anymore... even the fantasy has traces of the terrible truth of reality... juz help me face it god... i wan to learn to face up to reality now... really? i cannot run away anymore... i am too tired,,, can anyone help me out of this rut? i wanted to run away... but noe there is nowhere to run to... 10 years worth of hurt is finally catching up... one after another... all those ppl... i am lyk living in a nightmare.. i wish i faced up to it earlier... then there wouldnt be 10 years of hurt there for me... when is this going to end? i am living a lie... i dun wan to go on anymore... pls...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
12:45 PM
