Friday, June 16, 2006
Back From Campit was terrible! lack of sleep not withstanding.. i had to face u.. talk to u.. look at u.. and pretend i dun noe u.. but there are so much memories.. everything u say makes me rmb wad u said to me and wad i said to u.. i feel lyk i am so lost.. i tot i could do it.. to still be frens with u lyk i did with the others.. but i realised that with u i cant.. becuz there are too much i am not willing to let go lyk last time.. too much memories i dun wan to forget becuz i hold them too dear.. i din expect this to happen.. i tot i could do it but i am not strong enough.. i think i am so stupid.. for doing so many things wrong.. or maybe i should have been more stupid and not even talk to her at all.. or perhaps even be more selfish and not tell u wad i noe.. how i wish i could say that if time were to do that i would do it more selfishly.. but then if time were to turn back a hundred time i will still do it this way.. i should say i have got no regrets.. but i really really miss u.. all i wan is for u to be happy... i dun wanna lie to u.. pls dun say i am dumb anymore.. but i am really so tired.. she is my fren and i dun wan to do her wrong.. i need ur assurance.. i feel so much lyk crying after all this disappointment.. from sj from u from camp.. but i cannot cry.. sometime the tears will flow.. but i feel nth for the tears.. these tears dun carry any feelings and do not wash away my pain.. these tears flow out of my inablity to do anything else.. i wish i could really really cry and let everything go.. but perhaps a part of me dun wanna let go.. the feeling of wanting to cry but being unable to.. feels lyk u wanna sneeze but cant.. only a thousand times worse.. but also becuz no one noes i have no one to turn to.. the teasing dun help.. i no longer noe how to react to them.. i only noe i love u.. when u make ur decision tell me.. cuz i need u to tell me u dun love me anymore.. i need to noe i did not tell u juz to lose u and let u go for nth... it doesnt matter wad happened as long as u are happy.. i'll find a way to let u go.. but i need u to tell me u dun like me anymore.. til then i will still be here waiting..
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
4:30 AM
