Monday, June 26, 2006
Hell...i dunno wads wrong with me.. honestly.. this is hell.. i.. i really dunno.. it hurts lyk hell u noe.. its lyk everything's wrong.. why do u keep scolding me? i din do anything.. why izzit a person who noes me less than one month understand me better than u who brought me up for 16 years.. i wan so badly to cry.. its juz so painful.. i dunno if it is i cant or i dun wan to.. i feel terrible.. i udn wan to go sch tml.. to face everyone and pretend that i am alrite when i am not.. i dun wan to go on with this lie anymore.. dun ask me wads wrong with me.. cuz i dun noe wads wrong.. everything's wrong.. dun tell me i am being stupid becuz i noe i am but i cant help it.. dun tell me i should let go becuz i am trying so hard but its not working.. dun tell me that u understand becuz no one can ever understand.. dun tell me u love me becuz i dunno wads love and i dun wan lies anymore.. and lastly.. dun tell me this is part and parcel of life that everyone has to go thru a phrase of becuz it seems lyk i dun ever noe anyone that has a life lyk mine.. i feel so stressed.. relationships.. studies.. life.. its all so difficult to handle.. u say ur parents dun care abt.. u think i am ok with my parents.. we hardly ever talk civilly to each other.. its always only a word or two.. otherwise it is shouting matches.. u have frens who care.. u got frens who understands.. i have frens who care.. but even though they do try to understand they nv will.. i feel so helpless.. u say u try to pull me out of this dark hole.. but so did he.. and juz when i was almost out of it he let me go.. do u noe how much it hurts to once have but lost.. to have given so much to receive so much only to lose it all.. i should have been more selfish shouldnt i.. maybe i should.. i dunno.. it feels terrible.. so terrible.. i juz dunno wad to do.. i wanna end it all.. there are so many ways to do it.. but which one am i going to choose? i dunno...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
4:30 AM
