Thursday, March 29, 2007
School Is Starting Soonhmmm... i really have no idea wad to blog abt.... lets see... i haven been blogging much cuz i went out everyday since the last time i blogged.. but they are not very interesting.. or rather... i dun feel lyk blogging abt them... maybe some other days... cuz they mostly include SP.. and well.. i think it is taboo juz to even think abt SP... school's starting soon.... and itz gonna suck...
oh... and this sat... deardear will be goign for jolvin's 21st birthday celebrations... and i... will be going for a briefing for the camp that i am going to be attending with lishi... number 1 is cuz i dun really wanna not attend the briefing... even though weien can probably give me a personalize one... cuz juz becuz i noe some seniors doesnt mean itz everything... i shouldnt act so dua3 bai2... 2nd is well.... itz not lyk jolvin invited me... even though we noe each other... i haven really been very contactable for him... so ya... it will be so weird if i juz turned up... this is probably the first weekend that me and dear is not spending tgt... i juz.... i dunno...
actually i wanted to spend a weekend juz with deardear b4 i start school.... or rather... i hoped to... since we would probably have less time to be tgt once school starts.... but well... wad are hopes made up of if not empty air... so ya... wadeva... if we cant do it this week there is no other week to do it as my school start the week after next... and it is not possible for me to spend the time with him next weekend... so it juz means that there's no way ard it... maybe i'm juz stupid or sth.... i think i'm juz stupid...
on an even darker note... i found out some things... which led me to wonder... was i played out by so many guys becuz they all think i really dun care? or becuz they think that i am always so happy and laughing that i cant get hurt... or do they juz think that i am strong enough to be played with then discarded and stand up by myself... and at the very end... i'm supposed to be chummy with them and forgive them... this juz sucked so much... maybe i'm juz much too dumb.. if i forgive them... can never forgive myself...
sometimes i juz feel that i'm very redundant.... very extra.... very useless.... i'm sinking yet again into another depression... wadeva... i think i'm getting on ur nerves huh...
dear... i really do miss u so much... and i shall prove to myself... that my world doesnt revolve around u... juz as urs dun around me... i'm getting much too dependent on u... everything i do... everything i buy.... its with u in mind... i'm getting too dumb... too stupid... u wun believe how happy i was to find the marshmallow today... i have nv stopped looking for it... becuz i noe u lyked it.... and i should learn to stop planning my time ard u... cuz i noe u dun.... from now on my weekends are no longer out of bounds.... anyone can ask me out anytime during the weekends.... and i most probably wun reject... it din seem to me as if u were keeping ur wkends free juz for me.... u shouldnt matter more to me than i to u....
u are in my tots... every single moment... but i dun seem to be in urs... whenever sth happens... i dun seem to be the first in ur mind.... i come in only after that... yet i noe.... that u think i dun care... perhaps i am very impt to u in ur heart.... perhaps u care alot for me... but compared to other things... i may juz be slightly more impt... i noe deep in my heart... that me without u.... will nv go on.... there shall be no other who can take ur place... if u end off as my bf.... there shall be none after u.... but u without me.... will still go on... u may be sad... very sad... but ultimately... u will find another... and another... and another if need be...
things are getting pretty tensed nowadays... i miss u so much... so very very much.... thats y everytime u call... i dun wish u to hang up.... i already dun get to see u... hearing ur voice makes me feel so much better... becuz no matter how tired i am... it din stop me from staying up waiting for ur calls... even for ur sms... but i guess we are juz different...
i think i'm juz really stupid.... y did i start crying typing this post?... i cant see a thing now.... i'm probably the stupidest gal alive
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
1:06 PM
