Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Lonelythis is the first time i ever felt lonely in a place with so many ppl
i hate myself for being afraid of so many things... hate myself for being weak... weak physically and mentally...
my heart is in a turmoil...
i juz wanna walk away... i nv knew it could be so difficult...
i love u so much.. n need u so badly... i juz wish u noe how badly...
i noe i'm very impt to u... itz juz tt everything else is juz as impt..
all i wan is for u stand with two feet on the ground and not look to fast cash...
we should be at the time where we r still the most impt ppl to each other.. but if rite now if already mean so little... then wad abt in the future? i would mean even less..
i juz dun understand y itz ok if u do something or say something to me.. but it is absolutely not ok if i do the same to u...
maybe itz the age gap.. tt lead to us having different goals in our relationship...
or maybe we are juz too different as a couple...
u feel tt i'm too intense... i feel tt u dun care...
i do believe that we should have life separate from each other... but yet the focus of our lives must be each other.. but u feel that a couple's life should only last as long as the honeymoon period...
i can nv stop taking u as the focus of my life... making u the first in every of my decision... but i can never be the focus of ur life...
neither of us are wrong in wad we want... but we are both wrong for this relationship...
we compromised so much in so many ways but yet never once could we agree on this...
i tried hard to only blog about happy things in my life.. but it was only when i made tt decision... did i realise that... there are so little times when i am happy...
so many promises, so little time...
without you, i lost my focus.
without you, i lost my way.
without you, there is nothing worth living for.
i'm not juz a responsibility.
you dun do something for me becuz you are someone to me.
i'm not a convenience, not an commodity.
i'm a human. a human complete with feelings and tots and hurts.
i come with a head and a heart.
a head that thinks and a heart that feels. sometimes wad i think and wad i feel point in 2 completely different directions and i need someone to show me the way.. always.. i have taken the way u asked me to go.
my heart will hurt when ppl are awful to me. n when it does, i need u to stand up for me and listen to my woes. i need u to encourage me, to tell me tt i'm rite even tho we both noe i may wrong juz as i have always done for u.
dun put me down when i am already down..
u nv wan to tell me anything and then u scream at me when i do something wrong... somehow, i dun think tts fair altho i really ought to be there for u no matter wad.
i have ears that listen. not juz hear, but listen. u dun have to scream to make me understand. u dun have to shout for every little thing. becuz not only i have ears, everyone else have ears too...
my eyes and my heart tear when i'm sad. itz not sth i can help. becuz u are the only person i can cry infront of. becuz u are the only one i wan to be there to hold me and tell me the world is really not such a terrible place to be in.
but now, ur arms are no longer there. leaving only callous words in itz place.
you have become selfish in ur wants. in making me give less to u to make u less guilty. in pushing me away to let u do wad u want. in never pausing in ur stride to see if i could keep up.
or have u always been lyk tt. except tt i was blind to it?
stubborn u may be but gentle still at first. now the gentle u have faded away leaving me to contend with only ur wrath...
time may cuz the hurt to fade away. perhaps love fade the same way too?
will life fade the same away?
despite my pleas, u still do wad u think is rite. and leave me yet once again alone. ur actions have never shown the place u say i hold in ur heart.
u promised to walk life's journey with me, u promised to never hurt me. u promised to hold my hand and never let go, u promised to always be there for me.
yet today, u turned ur back on me. u callously threw my hand away. u pushed me away when i needed u most.
left alone i wandered. to where we were b4.. u made me realise tt i cannot live without u. but also that life goes on as per normal for u regardless of my presence.
now i noe exactly where do i stand. i completely cannot function without u. but u... u can play basketball can play majong...
my eyes, my nose, my head and my heart hurts. but wads hurting u is ur pocket.
i've tot of wad i want lyk u said. and wad i want is not u. yet i love u.
how stupid can i be?
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
11:57 PM
