Sunday, January 24, 2010
Emotional RollercoasterIt seems like every little thing can push me over the limits. I don't know what to say. Even when blogging, I feel like there is so much inside me I don't know how to start. Alone in Qiyuan's room right now. Freaking out about tomorrow's SM presentation. I don't know what can I do to help myself. Going to SAA tomorrow to look for the school counsellors. I hope they can help.
I wonder if I have depression. If I took the checklist, I think I will have everything there. I feel like there is no one who can help me. Even the people who helped, it seems like they want something from me. How come I can be there for my friends and all I ask is there when this day comes for me, they can be there for me too. But turns out, reality is that they have to have something now. It seems like they help me now and I have to pay some favors to them now. I helped them then and I didn't need anything. Now that I do, it seems like the favor card has expired.
Reality is harsh. I know that now. I fully experience it now. People say that secondary school years will be your best years in life. Thats true. I found my true friends then. People who will stand by me no matter what. I try to pretend it didn't matter. That it was my fault. But the hurt is reverberating in me. It won't go away.
Threw my temper at Qiyuan. Cause he hurt my feelings. But it was because I had it up to my head then. I know he didn't mean to. But nonetheless, it still hurt. My criteria is simple. I have to be more important than anyone else. You can go out and fuck anyone but ultimately, you have to come back to me cause I was more important. But you threw your temper at me cause you wanted to talk to her and you were sleepy. You claim that you were just kidding. But my dear, after so many days with you, you think I cannot differentiate between your 'I'm just kidding' voice and your 'I'm pissed' voice?
We cannot be anything more than friends cause we aren't ready for anything more. In my current situation, getting into a relationship with someone like you is suicide. I think it will be the thing that will ultimately push me over the edge into the abyss. You? You will never be ready for a serious relationship. At times I wonder if its cause you're too insecure. But honestly? I don't know. I don't want to know the answer anyway. I dread it.
I tried to put things behind. But I don't know how to face you. It's not in me to hold a grudge. But, I don't know. I don't hate you. I don't blame you. I just don't knwo how to face you. My heart is still tearing. It is still breaking. I don't know how to stop it, how to mend it. The secrets I hold in me are bursting forth one by one. I cannot stop it. I feel so insecure and so exposed. The fact that so many of you know so much about me. I don't know.
Feel cold all the time. I think I'm falling sick. My lungs feel like they are trembling, my muscles quivering. Is my outside too hot or my inside too cold? My palms are sweating and my forehead is beading up. But I'm cold.
Save me?
淚了 Lei Le -- 東城衛 Dong Cheng Wei & 曾沛慈 Zeng Pei Ci
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
9:35 PM
