Saturday, January 23, 2010
My Passing...I wondered whether if one day I disappeared, would anyone notice. Then I realise, I have been out of touch with so many important people in my life that even if I do, I think they will never know. The people I'm still in touch with right now? Hmmm... I seriously doubt my disappearance would make a difference. Afterall, time has proven to be the best revealer ever.
I wonder what's there for me to be holding on for. An uncertain future? Screwed up relationships? Or what? Essentially, nothing.
I think I can leave without regrets. But I think back on the last time I tried. That mark is the one holding me back. Telling me I will regret. That phone call that day probably saved my life. Now that the veins are more obvious, I realised the scar is right above the vein. If he hadn't called, I might have puntured it. Then there will be no more today.
Issac saved me that day. For the past 4 years. I've been living for him. For the fact that his call brought me back, and the fact that I love him. But now, the reason is gone. Nothing is worth me living for. Friends won't be there for ever.
Once, we were close friends, now we are strangers.
Once, you were my life, now you are my death.
As more time passes, this idea seems better. As foolish and cowardly as it is, it feels easier. I'm replaceable. Without Nikki, there's always someone else. One by one, all of you have proven that to me. As if telling me it is the right thing to do. I keep trying to stop myself. I wonder how long will I last. What if I lose control again? Maybe it's all for the better.
Ya... Perhaps it is. But I won't do it. I will try my hardest not to. I am trying. But I feel more desolate as each day pass. More and more lonely.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
1:44 AM
