Monday, January 04, 2010
RantingsI feel so stressed today. In school, I feel tensed all the time. I feel lost and I din know wad to do. Met Qiyuan in the morning. Told wad I rmb of wad happened last nite then everything felt better. But I din wanna leave. I din wanna be alone. So I stayed with him and missed all my morning lessons. Then when he left, I felt lost again. When I was with him, I felt that everything was going to be okay, and that everything was perfect. But when he left, I din noe wad to do with myself.
I feel that I'm gonna snap. So tensed and stressed all the time. I dunno why. I'm not such a needy person. Not usually so insecure. Especially after supperclub. I almost went crazy there. I was not myself that day. I dunno wads happening to me. One moment I'm very very happy and the next I feel like sobbing my heart out. I tried to pretend that everything is okay and normal but I'm getting scared. I feel like I dun recognise me anymore.
Everything I do is hazy and I can barely remember wads happening. I feel like I'm juz going through the motions in life and acting purely on instinct. After the conversation yesterday, the confusion is deeper. I feel like breaking down and crying. But somehow, when I cried last nite, I felt like the tears couldn't reach my heart. Like the tears are only flowing cuz they are supposed to, not cuz I'm upset or anything. I dun understand.
I feel detached from my life. Like I'm a third party watching someone live my life out for me. I juz want closure. I wan to move on. But I dun wanna lose myself. I dunno wad to do.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
5:43 PM
