Monday, January 11, 2010
Running AwayI feel like running away from all my problems and hoping they will solve themselves. I dunno wad am I going to do. My life is getting more and more messed up each day. Everyday I see a larger mess and I feel like running away. Then the next day there is a bigger mess. I need to prioritize! But now I feel like I can't. Everything is spinning out of control.
I'm scared. I don't think I have the strength to make things work. I need to pull myself together now. But I dunno wad am I anymore. I want everything to juz stop right now. I need everything to stop. I wish I can juz end my life. But that wun solve any of my problems. I juz want to pretend everything is ok. But I can't. Not anymore. I can't run away anymore.
Why did I let my life become like that? Everything is blurred together I dunno what is what. I want to go back to the day when everything was okay. I cannot take this anymore.I can't I can't. I want to turn my life around but I dunno what to do. I feel like hiding all the time and I dun wanna face the facts. I have to but I can't do it.
I'm driving myself crazy. I thought I moved on but I haven. I know I dun love him anymore. But I'm so crazy as to think that getting back with him will make everything okay again. I miss Qiyuan. But he cannot always be there for me. I miss Evey. But she has her own life to lead. I miss Amanda. But she cannot solve my problems for me. I miss Faifai. But I neglected him so much I dunno how to face him. I miss shearn. I miss weien. I miss yongjian.
Most of all I miss Lishi. She has been there for me since the beginning. She knows all of my problems inside out. She understands me better than anyone else. But she can only listen. She cannot replace the void inside me.
I miss all of these people who are there for me. These are the people who nv failed to be by my side. I've been in this rut for so long but they haven abandoned me. I know some of them are exasperated with me for wallowing in this hole. But I dunno how to control myself. Sometimes I dun even remember doing something at all. I juz realise that I'm doing it. Or sometimes I dun remember doing anything at all that I have apparently done.
Getting by day by day mechcanically. As long as I'm on the move I can pretend everything is okay. But the moment I slow down everything catches up with me. I'm self-destructing but I cannot stop it. How can I stop it when I'm not even aware of myself doing it? I feel inebriated all the time. Very happy sometimes very sad sometimes. I'm starting to think that I'm mental.
I'm terrified of wads going to happen next. Everything seems to be happening at once. Everything that I have done is catching up with me now. I juz wanna get away from everything. But I can't run away anymore...
I feel
trapped.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
8:24 PM
