Wednesday, January 20, 2010
A Shithole AgainIt seems that every bad thing has a companion, or rather many many companions. Betrayed by my friends with unfeeling words. I'm fine.
I have to pretend that everything is okay, even though my heart is hurting like crazy. I rather have Issac hurt me 10 times over than to have to both of you treat me like that.
I feel myself wildly grabbing for my friends. Afraid to be alone even for a moment. I'm holding on so tightly to Qiyuan I think I'm suffocating him. Grabbing at my friends hoping that they will be there for me.
I'm terrified.
I think of the things you said to me and I wonder how can anyone do such stuff? I want to turn my life over but no one's giving me a chance to do it. You are just taking turns to screw me over. I need time for a breather.
I keep suppressing the urge cause I keep telling myself that it's not the solution and I'll be letting alot of people down. But now it's overwhelming me. I just want to end everything. I don't want to do this anymore. I've never felt so scared and alone in my life. Even when Jingying screwed me over I still had Issac, Carmen, Lishi, Lynn and the girls. Now we are all scattered all over and none of them can be there for me anymore.
I know Qiyuan and Shaun has been trying to do as much for me as they can. But I feel like I'm just a burden to them. Talking to Tommy just made everything worse. I feel like turning back time but I can't even find the time I want to turn back to. If I turn back to with Issac and things were not good but still not so bad I won't have Qiyuan and Shaun and Shearn by my side. I will never appreciate the things that they have done for me or find out what good friends they are.
But now, I'm scared. Scared out of my wits. I don't know what to do at all. I just keep pretending to be happy when there's people around and crying like crazy when I'm alone. It's driving me crazy. I need to go back to the person I was. But I don't have the drive to do it. I know Qiyuan is trying to help me alot, but I cannot motivate myself to do it. I want to pull myself out of this shit but I don't know how to start.
I just feel like killing myself.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
6:35 PM
