Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Home AloneBeing at home is somehow very stressful for me. I can study no problem when I'm outside but somehow, when I'm at home, I just feel overwhelmingly sad.
It's annoying how I know I should get out of this funk and no one can help me cause I have to do it myself. But somehow I just cannot do it. Trying very hard to put everything out of my mind but everything is just running amok in my head.
I seriously wonder how much more of this I can take. I find myself talking to myself sometimes and wonder if I'm going crazy. It's so tiring to be fighting with yourself because you can never get away from yourself.
Am I even making sense?
I wish I can just snap out of it.
Doing everything, changing everything, just so I can feel better and not be so fucked up. Apparently it seems I now appear to be a more confident person and always cool, calm and collected. This just proves that either the people who said it don't know me well, or I'm just a damn good actress. Or perhaps the people who see me as who I truly am and what I am feeling are the people who know me the best.
Why is it that I cannot stop this sadness from coming? That I still actually care? Am I going about doing the wrong thing? Maybe instead of running away from this pain I should embrace it and then move on from it? But how can I afford to allow myself to breakdown once again? Somehow I feel that I never really broke down and cry. I know that I have not. All this time all I've been trying to do is pretend that everything was perfectly fine. I may not have succeeded always, but I have always been trying.
Or maybe I'm just pushing myself too hard and all I need is time. I don't know. Whatever it is, it sucks.
I feel like I'm taking the people around me for granted. Perhaps because I'm always so preoccupied with other things and only when I'm free or when I need something then I look for my friends. I wish there was some other way I could do this, to show them all how important they truly are to me, but I don't know how.
If not for my friends here for me, I will never have gotten through these months. Thus far, this is the darkest period of my life. Previously, I had Carmen by my side. This time round, she's still here.
I love you Carmen. You have officially became the most important person in my life. Thank for going through all these shit with me even though you had your own shit to go through.
Love Qiyuan for everything you did for me even though you didn't need to. Ironically, we only got much closer because of what Evelyn did to me. She was unhappy with me being close to you but ultimately, because of that, she was the one who pushed me to you.
If I were to do things all over again, I will still do them the same. I do not regret anything that I have done. The decisions I made may not have always been the right one and they may not have been the best decisions I made.
But they have shown me who my true friend are and taught me to grow up. My decisions have moulded me into who I am now. And I'm happy with myself.
I don't feel so emo anymore so I shall go study... YEA!!
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:27 PM
