Thursday, March 04, 2010
What am I to do?My life is in a mess, and everyday that I spend with you convinces me even more that I'm simply a waste on the face on this earth. I'm screwing things up left and right. I can't seem to do the right thing. For once, I want to do what I want to do instead of the right thing to do. Because now I understand that no matter how much I try, I cannot make everyone happy.
I'm tired of trying to make you happy. I do not even know what have I done. The feeling is just getting stronger. Perhaps I should get away from you before it overcomes me. But without you my life is meaningless. I invested all my love in the both of you. In Frostie, it will never amount to anything because he loves you more than me. In you? My love for you is just as futile. There has been no beginning, and it will not have a future.
Why do I throw everything away just to be with you that one second more? Why do I risk everything for this love that I know will be my downfall? My foolishness has cost me so much. My pride, my love, my friends, my self. I am what you were. You know how painful it was, but yet this is what you let me suffer through. This was what I went through before and yet I knowingly step into this pitfall.
I am an Idiot.
If things go my way, you will never see or hear from me again. I have feelings too. Feelings that will get hurt. I'm tired of being around people who have no concern over how they treat me and how they affect my feelings. This is the last time I put myself down for anyone.
No person, no dog, is worth me degrading myself. This grovelling has gone on long enough. I don't need your help. My life is my own. If I die in the next moment, it will too be of my own choosing. Because I tire of this world that has no compassion. I tire of always putting others infront of me, of making others more important than myself. I cannot change the world, I am unable to change myself.
I am a slave to my love for you. Stupid as it is. Thus I will change what I can change. My life.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
1:51 AM
