Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Is This Retribution? (**WARNING** -damn long post)
wad is wrong with me?
or rather..
wad is wrong with YOU?
why do you always have to make up beautiful promises that u noe u cannot keep? and when i tell u that i wun take it seriously you insist that u r serious and that u really wanna do it...
yet everytime, u nv go thru with them.. u spin up beautiful promises to me that u swear to keep.. but when u cant... u expect me to simply tell u that i dun mind n u go on pretending that nth happened at all...
i cant do that u noe? i cant pretend tt nth happened cuz u swore up and down tt it would be fulfiled but in the end itz all false hope...
u always say u will do sth tt we both noe u dun wan to... and u will expect me to say tt it doesnt matter n u dun have to do it.. n u will happily tink to urself that itz not tt you dun wanna do it but cuz i asked you not to...
yet when the rare occasion that i say tt i do wan u to do it... of cuz u will do it cuz u got no choice.. but u will look unhappy all the time tt there's no point in u doing it at all...
but for once... juz once... cant u do sth tt will make me happy? sth tt will once more convince me that u do care for me..
that despite everything...
i still mean sth to u?
becuz it is sth tt u do willingly n not cuz i asked u to...
yet time and again u did not... of cuz there is the things u do rarely... but we have been tgt for 1 n a half yrs n the times u did sth to touch me? i can count with my fingers...
and i do count... cuz it really meant sth to me... cuz it really meant alot to me...
i see other couples and i'm really jealous... y are they so happy tgt? no matter how i tell myself... in wadeva way i look at it.. we are not a happy couple at all.. AT ALL...
is this my retribution?
for treating my exs badly? for taking them for granted and hurting them? so this is y god made me love u.. so u can do the same to me cuz itz karma....
IS IT????
y is it always me who do sth for u... cant u do sth for me in return?
instead of saying that u appreciate it and everything... cant u do sth physical to to convince me?
becuz everything that u say? has beome meaningless...
becuz all ur promises? r lyk grass... itz everywhere... and itz worthless...
i really dun understand y u wanna go on betting... itz not as if u are winning... in fact u are losing more and more... yet everytime u tell me i will pay u back next time.. but that time nv comes cuz fact is u nv won...
i dun have the resources to feed ur habit...
u r addicted...y dun u admit it... itz not that u are indignant that u lost money and dun believe u can win it back... u are addicted and that is juz another way to say that u r...
at my age... i should be happily in love... i should be carefree... i should not have money problems... i have more than enuff money to make my life perfect...
i should not be planning my life around a guy.. i should not be thinking of ways to earn more money... to get more money with my family background...
my only problems are supposed to be my exams... i should at this time be fretting abt how to pass my MOB exam tml... not how am i going to hide the fact in a month my acct have nearly disappeared from my mum...
i'm glad u finally decided to get a job instead of sitting ard and dragging ur feet... but isnt it abit late? whenever i try to mention it u shut me up saying that u dun wanna talk abt it cuz u dun wan us to quarrel...
i really wonder...i'm i really ur gf?
or juz ur stupid, naive, gullible money tree?
is this way u chose me? a gal so much younger than u? so that i would be silly enuff... DUM enuff... to swallow all the shit that you throw to me?
i noe u are gonna be upset when u read this... but how often do u actually read my blog? u are using the computer all the time... but do you care enuff to actually visit my blog to read my tots n feelings?
perhaps 3 or 4 times a year... if i din kick up a fuss juz now with u... i doubt u are ever gonna read this.. juz as u nv read all my past posts of u...
juz to spend or more time with you... i suffer myself to go home late and risk reproach...
juz to save money for you... i suffer myself to go ur hse even tho i din lyk it..
i dun really mind the long trips home.. but yet time and again i chose to take cab from my hse to urs and urs to mine not cuz i have too much money to spare... u think i juz dun lyk the long trips... i nv corrected u cuz i din wan u to feel guilty that the real reason was that i din dare to walk home alone...
i have always been afraid of the dark.. thats y i chose to take cab to ur hse early in the morning.. thats y i chose to stay late at ur hse so i can have an excuse to take cab home... so i din have to walk tt long way home from the mrt station in the dark...
even my frens are willing to send me home at nite tho its not along their way home cuz they noe i would be terrified... my normal frens would rmb that i would be afraid and offer to send me home...
but my bf? my very own bf who claims to care for my more than the rest simply forgets...
i keep telling myself i should nv place anything in higher importance than myself.. but i always forget these facts.. simply becuz there really are ppl who care ard doesnt mean everyone cares.. i wonder how long will i need to rmb this?
i promise myself that i will nv be seduced by ur empty promises again.. cuz this time i will rmb that they are nothing but empty air...
to my nice nice frens who read this... dun be too concerned... i'm gonna be fine! =)
and thanks alot faifai... for ur sixth sense of knowing whenever i am upset.. itz not that i dun wanna reply ur sms juz now... but i really have no idea wad to reply... i hope that u will understand... i have been troubled... but ur jiejie will always be fine after awhile.. =) thanks for letting me noe... that i still have good frens out there who do really care for me...
and to szeyan and yongjian and lynn and carmen... i noe u guys care too! and dun worry abt me... cuz silly gal that i am with stm... i will soon forget all the unhappy stuff and be very happy again..
<3 u all
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:39 PM
