Saturday, February 13, 2010
I Can't Do ThisI'm not used to being alone. I never felt like this and it has never bothered me much until now. I used to not even bother about Valentine's Day. But all of a sudden its so important to me that I'm not alone that day.
My whole life has been thrown off track and there is no one I can look for without feeling like I'm making use of them because there is only one person I really wish for to be here. But that person is not here, can't be here.
Just when I think my life is back on course, something throws it off. This emotional rollercoaster is too much. It took so much effort for me to stop rutting. But one simple thing I see or one simple thing I do or even one simple that occurs, just throws me back into the rut.
I want to stop feeling like that. But dammit I dun know how! Fuck it all! I just want to lead my life as normal back! I want to stop missing you! Because you're not mine. I have no right to. I'm yours. But somehow, I know, you will never be mine. I dunno whats holding you back. But whatever it is... I dunno. I'll be there. Not matter wad.
But... For how long? What if one day I can't take this anymore and you never found out where I went to?
How vulnerable is life? You know. Imagine if one day I died. How will my friends ever know? How can my family inform them? No one in my family know any of my friends. My funeral. Who will be there? The people that I care about, will you find out if one day I am dead? Can I say sorry now first for in case I died and you didn't know?
This is so morbid. But if one day you died, will anyone think to let me know? My head is filled with thoughts of death. What happens after death? The dread is growing again. Dammit.
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
2:18 PM
