Tuesday, March 02, 2010
I'm ScrewedMy exams have been going so badly... I couldn't even find the mood to blog cause I was too distraught. First day of exam for SM I found out that I was screwed over again. This time for LERM. I couldn't focus at all that day. My mind just keep going through how screwed up everything was and I couldn't remember anything for my paper.
I felt like I was just going through the motions of my life. Chose to go once again to Malaysia, hiding away from everything yet again. Tried hard to study for LERM but I was just too distracted. Even though the morning of the paper I found out that the teacher decided to give me the full group marks instead of marking me down I still couldn't do the paper. I got the encouragement I needed but somehow I was too far gone to recollect myself. I'm sure I failed the paper. Because I couldn't remember anything. I could recognise the terms cause I know I studied them but I couldn't for the life of me remember how to explain them.
Thursday I have another paper. But I cannot focus still. The feeling of dread not only did not decrease but kept increasing. In order to function from day to day I kept the feelings locked away deep in my heart. Somehow it's like I haven't grieved yet so the hurt is still there. Keeping the feelings apart seem to make them worse. But how can I let myself break down again? I feel tired and weak. I don't want to be like that. I want to be normal and happy.
When did things snowball to this? Why didn't I realise this? I'm self destructing from inside out. Being okay don't mean I'm feeling okay. I want everything to be normal. But I don't know how.
Help me...
My World. My Life. My Rules.
xoxo nikki
6:27 PM
